This Moment
by CaskettFeels
Summary: After being shot, Castle and Beckett have a long road to recovery, and it's more than just a physical one. Here's my take on it. Multichapter. Spoilers for 8x22
1. Chapter 1

_Seven minutes, Kate. Seven minutes. That's how long the brain continues to function after the body dies, and as all of those synapses slowly stop firing off, that's when they say that our lives flash before our eyes. Now, when your seven minutes come, I sincerely hope that you do not flash to this moment, when you had a chance to live and you chose not to._

 _\- Caleb Brown_

She crawled to him, smearing blood on the polished floor, and it was taking all her strength just to make it to him. She had taken a bullet to the heart once upon a time and remembered every second of it, too. Even that memory, though, had faded to nothing more than an echo. She had no idea if this pain rivaled that of her memory from years ago. All she knew now was that her legs didn't want to work and her body felt like a sack of bricks. She just needed to get to him, confident that she would feel better if she could just do that. _Castle_ , her mind chanted.

How could they have gotten this so wrong? And now, it was too late. He was shot. Her husband was _dying_ over there _,_ and that hurt far worse than any bullet ever could. _Please don't let it be too late,_ she prayed as she moved inch by inch towards him.

Beckett didn't have far to go, the gap between them closing faster because he was there, shuffling to her, too, proving once more that they surfed the same brainwave. She dropped her gun and rolled over onto her back. He was there and they were together. That was all that really mattered, wasn't it? _No!_ Her mind screamed at her as their hands searched for the other. Being near him didn't change the fact that he'd been shot. She knew that one day, their life together was going to end up like this - riddled with bullets - but it was never _him_. He was never on the receiving end, because no matter what, he needed to live on. He was strong enough to live on without her and she knew she wasn't.

Their hands met, and she clutched at him. Castle tried to speak, but her name wouldn't come. Air wouldn't come, either. His last thought was of her as his eyes slipped closed.

She lay like that for a moment, trying to manage the pain, but it was kicking her ass. It felt like her arms and legs were made of lead. Looking up at the ceiling was one thing, but Kate Beckett was seeing beyond the penthouse roof as she silently prayed to any angel who would listen to her.

It was the wheezing that startled her. _His_ wheezing. "Cassss…" It was a struggle to get out that barely there whisper. She tilted her head towards him, gasping with pain at even the slightest movement, but she could see that he had lost consciousness. A whimper escaped her, a combination of both of their injuries. _This is not happening,_ she thought. The anguish Beckett was feeling could not be put into words.

They needed help. "L'cy…" Ah, God… she had nothing, not even her cell phone and that stupid home operating system was on the other side of the room. She had nothing left.

She brought their hands up and pressed her lips to the back of his. "Stay with me," she mouthed, hoping he would stay tethered to her, and wanting nothing more than for him to take strength from her. It was then she realized his hand was slack in her own.

 _I'd walk into a tornado for you, Kate._

Her eyes welled with tears, one falling readily into her hair as the words that came next jabbed her in the gut. _And I would die if I lost you._ He had been so angry with her then, justifiably so. She had made a mess of their marriage all on her own.

And now, she wished she had stayed the course, or at least been more careful about walking this double-edged sword because he was never meant to take a bullet because of her… no one was.

...

Time passed. How long, Beckett had no idea. It couldn't have been more than fifteen minutes. She felt herself slipping to join Castle in darkness, but there was a banging at the door that stirred her and kept her present. She listened, and suddenly the door burst open, kicked in by the sure foot of a NYPD officer.

"NYPD!" A team of officers moved through the apartment. Her gun was kicked away, Caleb's too. An officer got down on his knees beside her, and she looked up at the head covered with a black mask and helmet. "Captain Beckett?" The confusion was short lived in the face of bullet wounds. The officer pulled off the helmet and mask and qued the mic. "Officer down! I say again, officer down. We need two ambulances."

Beckett knew this man, but for the life of her couldn't place the name at the moment. She gripped the officer's sleeve for a second, and the weak movement was enough to capture his attention. "How?" Beckett whispered, confused. "Casss'le?"

"We received a shots fired call from the tenant below you, and Jennings is checking him right now."

"Perkins, he's not breathing." Jennings said, and Perkins looked up at his team member who was already beginning to perform CPR. Beckett could see the worry in his eyes.

"No…" Beckett whimpered, defiantly. "Please… no."

"Captain, you have to stay still."

She gasped suddenly, a fresh wave of pain coursing through her. She heard the officer counting compressions before it all fell away into nothing.

 **A/N:** **How was that finale, everyone? I have to say, I am glad they canceled the show (though still devastated they had to) because I could not watch it without our beloved Stana Katic. Caskett deserved their happily ever after, and I am so happy they got one. Hmm… wonder if they'll put the alternate ending on the DVD…**

 **Obviously, all mistakes are my own. I don't have betas or anything to that effect.** **Well, more to come soon. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

_'Do you remember what you told me the first time I brought up your mother's case? That if you got started again, you wouldn't stop? You said it would probably destroy you._

 _Yeah, well, I didn't have any leads then.'_

 _'We don't have any now.'_

 _'Look, Castle, I got a little emotional last night. I'm... I'm fine.'_

 _'No, you're not. And you know you're not. You've been back here three days, you're already in a freefall. I'm not telling you to walk away, I'm just saying... give it time. You know, just until you get your bearings again.'_

 _'How am I supposed to get my bearings when someone out there wants me dead?'_

 _'By not letting them rob you of your life. I promise you, we will figure this out. We're gonna find them, and we're gonna make them pay. Just not today.'_

 _'Castle, if I don't do this, I don't know who I am.'_

 _'You're who you always were. You're the one who honors the victims.'_

 _- **Castle and Beckett  
**_

* * *

 _"We have to go," Castle said. "Espo and Ryan won't last much longer up there."_

 _Beckett eased Castle to arms length, not wanting to let him drift any further. For one tragic second, she had given Mason a victory. She had believed him when he said Castle was in the furnace. She just needed to touch him now, and let him ground her as he always did. Her heart was just beginning to settle when his arms wrapped around her, and now it was spiking again as her hands cradled his jaw. "What do you mean?"_

 _"I'll explain later, but we have to go," he reiterated._

 _Hearing the panic in his voice now, Beckett knew not to reach for answers. This was a time of actions, not words. All she knew was that her boys were in trouble, and that was enough for her. Stepping out of her relieved wife persona, she donned that of Captain and turned back to the unconscious old man on the floor. What was she going to do with him?_

 _She couldn't very well just leave him there, could she? LokSat – Mason, whatever he wanted to be known as now – was a dangerous man despite how easily she was able to hand him his ass. If he woke up… well, he wasn't stupid enough to just wait for her to come back, was he?_

 _"Okay, okay," she said above the roaring fire in the furnace. Catching herself looking at the fire once more, she just had to turn to Castle to look at him and reaffirm that he was there with her. "Um, there's a tool box over there, maybe there's a twist tie in it, or something to hold him."_

 _She went for the red metal box and opened it. After rummaging around for a moment, she found what she was looking for. She wasn't at all surprised to find that Castle had already moved Mason to the back of the room where he'd come from. "There's a pole back here," he said, dumping Mason in front of it. She could tell it was taking every ounce of his self-respect to keep from kicking the man while he was down – or worse. Much worse._

 _Once Mason was secured to the pillar, Beckett rummaged through his pockets, removing anything that could be used to cut through his bindings. She grabbed the controller for the electromagnet in the ceiling and gestured for Castle to catch one of the guns._

 _"Come on," Beckett said. "We can go through this way." Beyond the parking garage, however, the Captain's knowledge was limited. She pulled free her cell phone, frowning at the bars – or lack thereof._

 _"All communication is cut off from inside this building."_

 _"Then I guess we're going to have to go outside. How many men are Ryan and Espo facing?"_

 _"I don't know. A small army?"_

 _Bursting outside and into the fresh air, Beckett furiously brought her phone to life. After relaying all the information she knew and leaving instructions to get the Feds involved. "Castle, you should stay out here where it's safe."_

 _"To hell with that," he snapped at her, softening only upon seeing the stricken look on her face. "I'm coming with you," he corrected, more gently, and sighed his relief when she nodded her consent. "I can't believe I trusted that bastard. I just want to take this gun, shove it down his throat and pull the trigger," Castle growled while following his wife around the lobby. They could hear the gunshots coming from floors above them, but what her husband was spewing, she had to turn back to him and press a hand on his chest. **Calm** , she willed him, and she saw him visibly relax as well as anyone could in such dire circumstances. "I'm sorry."_

 _"Don't be," she said, turning back and heading for the stairs. Opening the door, the gunfire was much louder, echoing down the silo of stairs. Castle echoed her thoughts exact._

 _"It's this damn truth serum."_

 _"Now's not the time for a Harry Potter roleplay, babe," Beckett chastised while looking up the stairs. She couldn't see anything._

 _"No, it's a real thing. And it **worked**."_

 _"What do you mean it worked?" she whirled back to him. She saw the pain in his eyes now. Had that been there since the furnace room and she just didn't see it? More gunfire from above startled them both. Whatever this was, they needed to table it._

 _"It's not magic. It's real life science. I betrayed our family, Kate," he finished on a whisper._

 _Oh, there was that little boy she hated to see. He was so scared, she could tell. Swallowing thickly, she reached her free hand up to wrap around his neck, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "We're going to get through this, Rick. One step at a time. Now, I need you to tell me what it looks like up there."_

 _They began to ascend the steps while Castle explained what little he saw. The boys were taking fire from both sides of the door. One officer was hit. "And Beckett," he said, catching her arm just as they reached the door to the level where the gunfire was clearly coming from._

 _"What?"_

 _"They have more bullets than we do." It was painfully obvious, only reinforced by Mr. Flynn's testimony. Beckett nodded and opened the door. They were faced with the immediate proverbial fork in the road. "They're coming at the boys from both sides," Castle said, pointing to the corners on either side of the hallway they were standing in now._

 _"Be safe," she acquiesced._

 _"You, too."_

 _They looked at each other, as though memorizing their faces all over again. He backed away after a moment, and just like that, they were headed into battle one more time, possibly for the last. She watched him until he turned around, then she moved._

 _She had no idea who these people were. Were they mercenaries? Or were they simply defending the building as they were trained to do? She opted for the latter. Details would always come later. Taking cover behind the corner, she shouted as loud as she could over the gunfire. "NYPD! PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPONS!"_

 _Concrete exploded around her and she retreated into her cover for a moment. "Alright," she huffed. "Fine." Bracing herself with a breath, she poked around the corner and fired a couple of shots. **They have more bullets than we do**. Castle's voice rang in her head._

 _Time. That was all she needed to buy. She had no idea how long they had been exchanging fire, but she was down to her last bullet._

 _She glanced over at Castle, who was protecting himself from his own rain of concrete. He reached around the corner and fired off a shot._

 _There was confusion, and there was shouting, and for a second she was startled when more men with guns came through the door, and thank God they were on her side. She flashed her badge quickly, arms held open in a passive, non-threatening manner._

 _Castle and Beckett waited together while the others were apprehended. When the coast was clear, they began their trek down the corridor towards where they could hear Ryan and Esposito laughing like comrades in arms having just pulled off the impossible. They definitely deserved a raise after this – and she just might give them one. Or fight for it, at least, budgets being what they were._

 _She hugged them both, and as she pulled away to give Castle room to do the same, she realized that he wasn't there. Looking around the room, she found him standing in front of a man strung up with an IV taped to his arm._

 _Excusing herself from the boys, she moved towards her husband. "Mr. Flynn," Castle said by way of an introduction. "What's left of him." The man's shirt was wet with his own drool. While he was alive, he was seemingly vacant upstairs._

 _"Castle, what happened here?"_

 _"I did this to him."_

 _"No… you couldn't've…"_

 _"I needed to get to you," he whispered, ducking out of her reach. He brushed past Esposito and Ryan. He felt trapped. He needed air._

 _Beckett watched him leave, and when he was gone, she was left with the boys' eyes on her._

 _ **I didn't think you had that side to you** , she had once said, and what came back to her gave her chills._

 _ **Well, when it comes to the people I love, I do.**_

 _She looked at Flynn one last time before following in Castle's footsteps. "He did what he had to do, Cap," Esposito called after her._

* * *

When she woke up, there was a fight against the blinding light of the hospital room. "Kate," she heard from her left side. After a moment of blinking rapidly and adjusting to the light, the came to realize that she was, in fact, in a hospital room. Lips dry, she moistened them with the quick swipe of her tongue, and then looked over at the person sitting next to her. _Esposito._

She looked at him, but couldn't really see him as the memory of what happened assaulted her all over again. Once today she had already come to believe that her husband was dead, his body burning away in a furnace where hers would be added to the mix of ash left over. He was alive, though it had been miracle. During the debrief, she had shuddered at the thought and held fast to his hand as he explained just how close Mr. Flynn had come to killing him. Twelve seconds was all it would have taken for her husband to die.

If the boys hadn't shown up when they did… She had seen the scene upstairs after Esposito, Ryan and their team had been rescued.

"Javi," she whispered imploringly. "Is he… is he dead?"

"Our boy's a fighter," the detective replied with a smile that quickly vanished, "but he's not out of the woods yet. You, though... you were so lucky."


	3. Chapter 3

_'Jim, I don't know how you do this._

 _You know, I thought I would get used to this... new part of Richard's life,_

 _that constant danger, and the never knowing, and I..._

 _but I really thought there would come a moment just a moment – when…_

 _the worry would stop.'_

* * *

 _'Katie's been doing this for more than a decade now,_

 _and I've had this clench in my gut since the day they handed her the shield._

 _She does say she always feels safest_

 _when your son's watching her back.'_

* * *

 _'He says the same thing about her._

 _Well, at least wherever they are,_

 _they have each other to lean on.'_

 _- **Martha Rogers and Jim Beckett**_

* * *

He's a fighter and she was lucky. That's all she got? For a long moment, Beckett stared at Esposito, expecting more, needing every morsel of information he would give her, except, he wasn't giving it to her. He was holding back and it was so unlike him. She felt like a horse, and he was dangling the carrot just out of reach. It was cruel. She did have one takeaway from what he had said, though, and it wasn't something she wanted to hear. Castle was fighting. Her husband was _fighting_ for his _life_. The thought brought tears to her eyes. "What does that mean?" she asked, finally, because she _needed_ to know and he had no right to keep it from her. This was the love of her life they were talking about. She didn't care about her own injuries, whatever they might've been. She was shot, she knew that, but beyond that, the extent didn't matter. _He_ mattered. "Javi, what does that mean?" More forceful this time, however pathetic.

Esposito looked down at the floor, his shoe laces all sorts of _interesting_ all of a sudden. When he volunteered to sitting at her side, he didn't realize just what that would entail. On some level, though, he was glad it was him she'd hear it from and not someone else. He opened his mouth, and he was going to lay it all out for her when suddenly a loud voice beyond the wall of Beckett's room distracted him enough to turn in his seat.

"Where is she?" The voice was soon accompanied by the door to her room being forcefully opened. Beckett looked up, startled. There was her father, breathing as though he had just run a marathon. His gray hair was wind swept and his face had a sweat sheen on it. The color was gone, though, as if he'd seen a ghost – hers. "Katie," he said with a heavy sigh of relief and disbelief the same. He staggered towards her bed… hand reaching out for her faster than his feet would take him.

She lifted her hand to him, despite the reminder of why she was in the hospital. She could eat the pain – had done it before. The tears in her father's eyes brought some to her own as their hands connected. Jim was dishevelled, black tie loose around his neck, and he wore his suit like it was the only set of clothes he'd had for days. _Days._ Looking at him now, thoughts were coming at her in full force, piecing together the timeline in her head – her own personal murder board. "You've looked better, dad," she said, squeezing his hand as he came to perch on the edge of her bed and lean over to press a fatherly kiss to her clammy forehead.

"Long couple of days," he replied, leaning back to look at her. He'd seen this before, the gaunt paleness of her face, the exhaustion oozing out of her every pore despite having been unconscious.

"Couple of days?" she breathed. Had it been that long? Esposito caught her glance over to him, and all he could do was nod his head.

"I would have been here sooner, but my flight was cancelled. I tried to get here sooner, Katie, I _did_ ," he implored, bringing her hand to his tear slicked face and kissing the back of it.

"I should give you two a—" Espositio rose from his stool and backed away, but the look Beckett shot him arrested him before he could make a clean exit.

"Espo…" Beckett pleaded.

Esposito took a deep breath, and she knew the blow was coming – whatever it was. "They lost him in the ambulance, and again during surgery."

"Oh God," she whimpered, looking down at the wedding band on her finger.

"All I know is, it's been almost 48 hours now…" he softened when she looked up at him, tears streaming down her cheeks. He could count on one hand how many times he'd seen Kate Beckett cry, and it unnerved him every time. "He's in critical condition, and there's been no improvement. The doctors won't tell me anything else, other than…"

"Other than?"

Jim shifted closer to his daughter, enduring the grasp she had in his hand. Despite her weakness, she was clutching his fingers in quite a painful way.

"They're worried he won't survive the night." Beckett looked away from both men, holding in the strangled cry that desperately wanted to break free at this injustice. Esposito nodded to Jim and made for the door again. "I told the doctor I'd let them know when you woke up. I should—yeah." And the detective was gone with the gentle click of the door.

"I can't lose him, dad," she cried, shifting into him, needing her father to protect her from monsters in her closet and under her bed. She needed it all to go away, to be a terrible dream that he would chase away.

Jim shook his head sadly, overwhelmed with his own emotions. His daughter — shot. His son-in-law, his daughter's _husband_ — shot, and likely not to make it through the night. "I never wanted this for you, Katie," he whispered, running his hand through her hair, wiping at her tears with the pad of his thumb.

No, he definitely didn't want his daughter to feel the bitter sting of the loss of her spouse.

* * *

 _She found him outside, sitting on the steps. Red and blue lit up the building like a beacon, and she thought to herself, Good. LokSat was down, and she wanted the world to know about it; her big **fuck you** to Mason and his legion of would-be assassins. Fuck his detective society, they never deserved Castle anyway, and fuck Mason, and Bracken._

 _Beckett sat down beside Castle, shoulder to shoulder, finding comfort in just that simple touch, but he didn't move – didn't acknowledge her presence. He was lost in his thoughts, that oh-so familiar black pit of despair. He'd taken a life today, though perhaps not in the literal sense. He took away a man's essence, his ability to think and do things for himself._

 _"What's going on in that handsome head of yours, babe?" she asked after a spring chilled breeze swept across them. She leaned into him, leeching his warmth, but he wasn't phased. He wasn't even wearing his jacket. She could see the gooseflesh on his arms, but it was clear he wasn't feeling it._

 _He said nothing, she didn't push. Instead, she found herself drifting in the moment. LokSat, Bracken. **Huh**. It was really over. That was cause for a worthy celebration, wasn't it?_

 _"Ruggedly."_

 _She looked up at her husband, finding he was staring right back at her. His eyes were bloodshot. She looped her arm through his, hugging his bicep to her chest. "Hmm?"_

 _"Ruggedly handsome," he replied._

 _A slow smile formed. "There you are," she whispered, pressing that smile into his shoulder. She was worried she'd be without him for a while longer. The moment wasn't perfect, not by a long shot. Despite the sound of even more sirens coming towards them from a distance, this moment was enough. He was alive and she was alive to enjoy him. Not perfect, but enough._

 _"You were supposed to stay at the precinct," he said suddenly. And just like that, the blissful moment was gone. "That's what's in my head."_

 _Beckett sighed. "You were supposed to stay in your office with your family."_

 _"Our," he nitpicked._

 _"Our," she acquiesced._

 _Well, this was an argument that was going nowhere quickly. That didn't stop her from feeling lousy about breaking her promise to him, though. She meant well – that had to count for something._

 _"You left the P.I. office. Why?" she asked._

 _He shrugged against her, looking down at the steps below them. "I was coming to you, and then I…" Castle shook his head. "I couldn't let you do this alone. All of this is on me, Beckett. From the very beginning, from the day I pushed you into looking into your mother's murder. It's all on me, and I wish to God I had never poked around in your mother's murder. I think that she would hate me for it - your mother - for the pain it's caused you." He huffed, his broad chest expanding with his frustration before he let it all out. "I left the office to come to the precinct. I got into the cab… and he played this ridiculous song… it was **creepy** , really… and then…" Castle looked up at the building, recalling everything that happened next. "After what I did to you… the boys and Hayley… mother and Alexis… God, part of me wishes he had finished the job."_

 _He was rambling now, and she had to wonder if he was even realizing what he was saying. "Who? Flynn? You can talk to me, babe. This isn't on you. It's not."_

 _He nodded, but before she could ask more questions, he ploughed on. "Why'd you leave the precinct?" Classic Castle deflection._

 _She pursed her lips, mentally berating herself for not seeing that this would be turned back on her in an instant. "Mason said the right words," she replied, "and you vouched for him, so I thought…"_

 _It was clearly the wrong thing to say. She felt him stiffen, and she was forced to let him detach himself from her. She watched him stand, watched him pace, and watched the anger bubble to the surface. "Why am I so stupid, Kate?"_

 _"What? You're not –"_

 _"Damian Westlake, now Mason. Am I just that gullible?"_

 _"Nooo," Beckett said, rising to her feet. She reached out for him, hands on his arms to stop him from pacing. "Hey, come on…"_

 _"Who next, Beckett? Ryan? Espo? You know he still looks at me funny sometimes. I'm not sure it will ever be the same between us. He will never forgive me for those two months, Kate… you know that."_

 _"Don't be ridiculous, Castle." She sighed, squeezing his arms. "You're trusting, and that's not a bad quality. It's one of the things I love about you. And Espo, he's just being Espo. Castle – talk to me. What is this? Why are you saying these things?"_

 _He took a breath, closing his eyes. "This serum is messing with me; it's making me say things I don't **want** to say."_

 _"So, really a truth serum?" she asked, looking into his eyes._

 _"Yeah."_

 _While her husband was a talkative man, there were certain things that she never thought she'd ever hear him say – like confessing a death wish, no matter how momentary it might've been. He was shaking. She could feel the tremors under her hands. It worried her, but the look on his face worried her further._

 _And suddenly, he was broken. The tears in his eyes had her pulling him to her. Castle buried his face in the crook of her neck. She kissed the shell of his ear and ran her hands through his hair._

 _Beckett had never seen him like this, and she was scared._

 _"I betrayed you all."_

* * *

 **A/N: So, obviously, I have two stories happening at the same time in this fic… I'm not even sure how it happened, but alas, it did. Obvs, one is meant to be a flashback of sorts...**

 **Please review, tell me your thoughts. I do so appreciate them. Thank you for everyone's support thus far; it adds fuel to this flame.**

 **I will say this: for as much as I loved the Caskett happy ending, one thing that I would nitpick on is the voiceover at the end from the first episode. Surely there are better lines they could have used to sum up their relationship, hence my sojourn into Castle quotes. Hah!**


	4. Chapter 4

_I'm a reckless, immature, self-centered jackass. If you're stubborn enough to keep going, I'm stupid enough to go with you._

 _- **Richard Castle**_

* * *

 _She felt his hot tears on her neck, felt the sobs. "Shhh," she found herself cooing, and rocked him gentle side to side. "I don't believe that." His hold on her grew tighter and despite the fact that she could barely breath in his vice-like grip, she let it happen. She just couldn't get close enough to him. She wanted to crawl inside him, and that still wouldn't be close enough. She was left with only the tight press of his body against hers and the tears he should not be shedding._

 _Police cars were pulling up to the curb now, and Beckett pulled back to see Castle's face lit up by the flashing red and blue lights. Her thumbs brushed away his tears, and he looked down between them, nodding. He was finished, for now. "No more questions," she promised. If this really was a truth serum, which she didn't doubt now despite the fact that she had no idea such a thing could exist, then she had to do right by her husband. "I won't ask you anymore until this wears off."_

 _His eyes snapped back up to her, reading the truth of those words on her face. He sighed his relief, sagging against her. The gratitude in his eyes was unmistakeable and she brought his forehead to hers, connecting them, breathing the same air, hearts beating as one._

 _They were startled as the body of an officer was brought out of the building on a stretcher. The chaos around him had them stepping out of the way so they could pass._

" _There's another paramedic over there. We're going to get you looked at. Whatever Flynn put in you could be dangerous. And I don't want to take any chances." It was far better to be safe than sorry. They had come so far together, and she wasn't about to let some drug take it all away. Castle nodded his head and when she pulled on his hand, he followed._

 _Beckett looked at her watch. It was just past 10pm. It was going to be a long night._

* * *

"I need to see him," Beckett said to her father.

The elderly man looked up from their hands tangled together. The tears in her eyes broke his heart. She was never supposed to feel like this, but he understood it all too well. Once, she had been there and attempted to ground him, but he was woefully defiant in the face of his strong willed daughter who couldn't possibly understand the loss of his wife. At least, that's what he told himself every time he found the bottom of a bottle. _Katie doesn't know. She'll never understand._

Now, he was kicking himself for thinking such thoughts, Where he lost his wife, it took him a long time to remember that she had lost her mother. It took them a long time to find their way back to this father-daughter relationship that he wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

Now, his little girl needed him, and he didn't know how to help her. He didn't know what to say, and didn't want to tell her that she didn't look well enough to even be pushed in a wheelchair. Fortunately, he was rescued when the door to her room opened and a doctor stepped in, wearing the traditional white jacket and a stethoscope around his neck.

"Hello, Mrs. Castle," he said, coming to the foot of her bed. He held onto the rail with a hand as he looked from her to the monitors and back again. In his other he held a clipboard, which undoubtedly held her charts and relevant data. "Welcome back. I'm Doctor Rosenberg." He was a tall man, with dark brown-near black hair, but it was flecked with silver on the sides, giving him a distinguished look. He looked like a man who had circled this block a few times, handled difficult patients and never had a bad day in his life. He looked fit enough, but probably hadn't spent a day of his life in the gym.

"I want to see my husband." On a normal day, she would correct the man. _Captain Beckett,_ she preferred. Though her last name was hyphenated, when it was work related, she went by the name on which her reputation was built. This was not one of those instances. For all intents and purposes, she was _Mrs. Castle_ , and she needed to see the man who made her into that.

"That's… not possible at the moment."

"Bullshit."

"Katie!" Jim admonished, but it was only half-hearted.

The doctor took a moment, let the air settle as his patient continued to drill holes into him with _that look_. "Let's talk about you," he said, finally, and pulled up another stool from the other side of the room. He perched down on the other side of the bed and clasped his hands together.

"I don't want to talk about me, I want to talk about Rick."

The doctor sighed. "We will, but for now, let's focus on you." His eyes cut to the man sitting on Beckett's bed, and for a second, he seemed unsure of himself. "Uh…"

"Whatever you have to say, you can say in front of him. He's my father."

Rosenberg nodded, shaking the man's hand over Beckett's legs. It was a quick, yet awkward handshake and the doctor went about reading the pages on the clipboard. "Okay, then. So, you were brought in with two gunshot wounds, one to the right side of your chest. Fortunately, it didn't hit anything major. It missed your lungs and arteries. You do have a fractured rib, though. Now, the second bullet was a little more complicated."

Oh, he had her attention now. "Complicated how?" she asked, hand coming to rest over the bandage she knew was there under her gown.

The doctor gave her a calculated look. "You don't know?"

"Know what?" Her father squeezed her hand, also fearing the news the doctor was about to deliver.

"You… are with child, Mrs. Castle. Congratulations."

"Dad, where's my gun?" Beckett said, not taking her eyes off the doctor. The doctor looked alarmed, near ready to jump out of his seat and head for the hills. Her heart rate on the monitor accelerated and the doctor looked up at it.

"Okay," the doctor said, setting the clipboard down and rising from the stool. "You need to calm down."

Beckett looked towards her father, panic in her eyes. "Pregnant?" She wasn't _ready_ to be a mother yet. Sure, she and Castle had many a conversation on the subject, but it was just one of those things were the timing was never right. Then with the past crazy eight months of their chaotic lives, they weren't even going to try, not until LokSat was in cuffs or in the ground.

Castle, though… oh he was ready. He was so ready to start a family with her, and she wondered if he would soon come to the point where he thought maybe it just wouldn't happen.

"That's what he said, Katie-bug." The moniker helped ease her anxiety somewhat, and she held fast to her father's hand.

"I can't be pregnant… we were… _careful_ ," she winced, even as she said it to her father. "We didn't…" She was pregnant, with Castle's child. She snapped her head to the doctor, suddenly. "Is the baby…"

"The baby is fine. You have my word. You're very early in your pregnancy." Beckett scoffed at that. It was hard to take people at their word. The doctor continued on, though. "The bullet penetrated above the uterus, and it missed your stomach, though quite narrowly. By all accounts, you are... the luckiest person I have ever met."

In thirty seconds, everything had changed. Beckett sat there in shock, hand resting on her abdomen. She had no idea… Sure, she was late, but… God, how could she have been such an idiot?

The doctor tempted fate and gave Beckett's knee a pat, drawing her out of the shell she was seeking refuge in. "The important thing to remember is, you're fine. The baby is fine."

"Fine," she repeated. What the hell was Castle going to say when she told him? How was she going to tell him that she nearly got their child killed because of her crusade. _'…When you had a chance to live, and you chose not to.'_ Caleb's words raced through her head. How angry was he going to be? It's not like she knew she was pregnant, but that really wasn't the point. That was an argument he would dismiss out of hand, because she shouldn't have risked her own life in the first place, and by association, his, too.

On the other hand, she could imagine Castle's joy over the news, blue eyes sparkling with happy tears. He'd buy out baby stores, excitedly dress up the loft.

 _Castle._ The father of her child.

"Where's Castle?" she asked, finally, fighting through the shock.

"He's upstairs in the ICU. Your husband wasn't as lucky as you two."

 _You two._ Beckett bowed her head, lip quivering. That wasn't what she wanted to hear. "He needs to know I'm _here_."

"Mr. Castle is still unconscious. The best thing you can do for him is stay in bed and rest."

"Dad," she all but whined at him.

"What's his prognosis, Doctor?"

The doctor hesitated, then cleared his throat. "I won't lie to you. Mr. Castle is in critical condition. At the moment, he's on a ventilator and we are managing him."

"Managing him," she repeated, the words sour. "It was one bullet…" She looked at her father, and he seemed to understand what she meant. She'd survived her fair share now. What was it? Four bullets now? How could this be happening? She didn't understand.

"I'm afraid it's more serious than that. _This bullet_ went in on an angle," he explained, holding up his hands to show her the position of Castle's body and the trajectory of the bullet. "Broke a rib, and caused a massive hemothorax, which led to a pneumothorax, which is called a hemopneumothorax. His lung collapsed before he was even brought in. We inserted two chest tubes to drain the blood, but…"

Beckett didn't want to hear anymore, especially the ' _but_ ' part of it. She looked up at Rosenberg and waited for the shoe to drop.

"…the bullet is lodged in his heart, and every beat it takes… could be its last while the bullet is still in there."

She looked at him, incredulous. "Well… take it out."

"Mrs. Castle, when your husband was brought in, we weren't sure he would survive the chest tubes. We're talking about open heart surgery here to get that bullet out. At the moment, he's too weak for that. He would die on the table." The doctor sighed. "I know it's not what you want to hear. I'm sorry."

The doctor gathered his clipboard and moved for the door. "I'll be back in a couple of hours to check on you," he said, leaving the room.

Beckett looked at her father, unable to control the tears. "I need to see him," she whispered.

"I know," he said.

"I don't care what you have to do, dad. Promise them… God… promise them a hundred thousand dollars or _something_. We'll pay it. _Please_." She held her stomach, the life that was growing inside her despite all odds. As her father got up, she sagged back against the pillows, a sob escaping her. This couldn't be it. This couldn't be the end for them.

She would take it back.

 _I sincerely hope you don't flash to this moment, when you had a chance to live, and you chose not to._

She never meant to make that decision for Castle, too.

She would take it _all_ back.

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you to everyone who is coming on this journey with me. Heh, it hasn't even been a week, and I miss the show already. I might have to seriously consider keeping Castle alive with a fic every Monday to fill the void.**

 **Please shoot me a review, let me know what you think. I want to know if I am going in the right direction. I'm just writing this on a whim, and have no clear direction for which it should go. Also... I'm no doctor, and medical stuff is beyond me, but I hope my vagueness will do this story some justice at least.**


	5. Chapter 5

_'Do you love Castle?'_

 _'Yeah.'_

 _'Then why do you want to get him killed? Have you forgotten why I never see my husband? Attachments are liabilities; leverage to be used against us by our enemies.'_

 _'So, I have to choose between finding the killer and being with Rick? That's ridiculous.'_

 _'That's the job. Five people were killed because of a redacted memo. What do you think is going to happen if LokSat finds out that you and Castle are working together on this? You're a big girl. Dive down the rabbit hole if you must, but think twice about who you bring with you, because unlike McCord and her team, anybody who dies now… that blood is on you.'_

 _ **\- Rita and Kate Beckett**_

* * *

She's growing restless with each passing minute that she's not at Castle's side. She should be there, holding his hand, lending him her strength. Surely, she could afford him some. Of course, she considered getting out of bed herself, but she knew that things wouldn't go as planned. Outside her room, she caught a glimpse of a uniform, and she knew she was under police protection. No one knew that it was over – it was finally _over_.

Beckett turned her gaze over to the window. Sunlight was shining down on the city in a beautiful golden glow. It only served to cause more tears to stream down her face and drench her pillow further. Her hand gently rubbed at her stomach as she silently prayed. She couldn't do this alone – not after everything she and Castle had been through together.

There was an image in her mind of her husband lying in a bed just like hers, a tube shoved down his throat because he couldn't breathe on his own. She'd seen it before, and it was one of the worst experiences of her life. The toxin had ravaged Castle's organs, even after the antidote. They were nearly too late – _she_ was nearly too late. She saw firsthand, the depths of his own strength. Oh, he always said she was the strong one, but that day, and the days the followed during his recovery, she told him time and again how strong his had been. They weren't sure he would survive, but he beat the odds, and he came back to his family and to her.

Beckett couldn't face that reality again. She couldn't bear the thought of seeing his face like that again, so ashen and void of… _life._ But, he made it, and now she needed that miracle again. "If not for me," she whispered to the room, knowing full well that she was at the bottom of the karmic ladder after how poorly she handled the whole LokSat conspiracy, "then please, save him for this little guy… or girl."

When she thought of giving Castle another child, she always imagined that she would give him a son, and yet, she secretly wanted a girl. After seeing him with the class of students that one time he went undercover, and seeing first hand just how well he handled that young girl (and of course, let's not forget Alexis), Beckett knew she wanted a girl, too. She wanted to witness those rare moments of Castle in his prime, playing with their children, because she knew she would have been amazed to see him tackle fatherhood when Alexis was a child.

Her eyes fell closed on yet another sob. She couldn't control them now, and she wasn't the sort of person who usually _sobbed_ when she cried.

She had no idea how much time had passed when the door to her room opened again. It couldn't have been more than ten – no fifteen – minutes. Her father walked in, followed by a nurse, a bulky hulk of a man with dark skin and muscles that said he could break her neck with one hand, probably.

"Katie?" Jim called gently, careful not to disturb her if she was sleeping. She finally turned her head towards him and saw his face fall at the sight of hers. "Oh Katie," he whispered, coming to her side. Taking her hand in his own, he gave it a squeeze.

"The hospital would like to thank you for your donation, Mrs. Castle," came the burly voice of the nurse. Beckett looked at him, as if seeing him for the first time. "We're just going to transfer you to a more comfortable room."

Beckett looked wildly at her father, wondering if she was hearing correctly. He nodded at her, offered a smile and a peck on the forehead. The nurse went about readying Beckett's bed, ensuring the fluid pouches were secure before unlocking the wheels on the bed. Getting started was jarring, and she let out a small 'Umph'.

Out the door and there she saw Esposito, Ryan and Lanie and some uniforms from her precinct. The loyalty and support astounded her. Lanie came up to the bed, walking alongside it. "You hang in there, girlfriend," she said, and held her hand tightly until she could venture further no more. Their hands slipped apart as they went through swinging double doors, and then she realized, her father's grip was gone, too.

"I'll be up as soon as I can, Katie," he called as the doors swung closed.

It was slightly reassuring, but only one thing mattered now. They were in an elevator, the doors taking their sweet time sliding closed. "You're not taking me to the psych ward, are you?" Beckett asked, looking up at the man. She was nearly giddy at the thought of going to see Castle, that her wish was granted and perhaps not all the forces in the world were working to keep them apart.

"No ma'am," he said, and it was instantly obvious that this man, who looked like he _should_ be working in the psych ward, had no sense of humor.

Still, Castle would have been proud of her.

They were moving again, and the passing lights overhead seemed like they were never ending. "Oh Katherine," she heard from down the hall, and sure enough, there were two redheads rising from their seats to come towards her. "How are you doing, kiddo?" Martha asked.

"Better once I see Rick."

The look on Martha's face though… it stole her breath. They had seen him already – of course they had. Beckett looked at Alexis, and her eyes were puffy and red. She reached for the young woman, hand catching her on the arm. "He'll be okay," she found herself saying. "He has to be."

Even she felt a little bolstered when Alexis nodded her agreement. They arrived at the door and there were two uniforms standing outside it. "Captain," they saluted her.

She had no words, could only offer a mere twitch of her lip. Martha and Alexis were gone from her side, resuming their seats on the bench, unable to follow them into the private room. The second the door opened, she was searching, hunting for him. She saw the foot of his bed first, heard the series of beeps coming from the corner. His chest, rising and falling to the dictated rhythm of the _whooshing_ sound.

Face, angled away from her only slightly. It startled her, and her hand gripped the guard rail of her bed. The blue tube that tunnelled down the back of his throat, breathing for him… she wasn't prepared to see him like this. Her eyes were wide, stinging with tears. She couldn't not look at him, and she was scared to blink. Everything else fell away, even the nurse who was hooking her up to the monitors again.

He was pale, and his hair was as unruly as ever. He would look so innocent if it weren't for the tubes coming out of him from _everywhere_. "Castle," she breathed. The nurse walked away, and the closing of the door didn't even register. She didn't realize how hard it would be to be there now. Every beep of the monitor was a torment. Every beep meant that he could die from a bullet that had somehow lodged in his heart. Every beep felt like a march towards the end.

She reached through the safety bar on her bed, falling just short of Castle's. "Come on," she growled, stretching her limb, right down to the tips of her fingers. She felt the burn in her wounds, but grit her teeth through it. _Just… a little… more…_ It was too much, and the pain won out. She fell on her back again with a grunt. She couldn't believe how close she was to touching him, and yet so far. She whimpered to herself as she looked back over to her husband.

Beckett twisted herself on the bed, gasping and groaning until she was finally resting on her side. She held onto her guard rail to keep her upright, all just so she could simply watch, observe the rise and fall of his chest. "I'm here, babe," she said to him. "I'm here. I'm sorry," she wept, "I'm so sorry."

 _Staring is creepy,_ she could hear him say, but only because she'd scolded him many a time for that himself.

 _Well, you would know, Castle,_ she'd shoot right back at him.

"And I _need_ you," she continued, hand coming to her stomach. "We both do."

* * *

 _As it turned out, by the time they rolled up to the hospital, the truth serum had worn off. "Go ahead, ask me," he said, like a little boy in a candy store. They walked to the curb of the hospital after a quick check-up, and Beckett hailed a cab. "And it has to be something I can lie about."_

 _As the cab pulled up, Beckett sighed. "Alright, fine," she muttered, hand resting on the door handle. "Did you break the vase last week while flying your remote control helicopter around the loft?"_

" _No," he answered immediately, and his eyes lit up like it was Christmas. He was finally free! Naturally, it took him a moment to realize what had just happened. He shrank somewhat under the_ _ **look**_ _Beckett was giving him. "Oh… shit. Wait – that was a trick question," he muttered._ _ **Low blow, Beckett.**_

 _She rolled her eyes and got in the cab. She wasn't really upset, so when Castle sat down next to her with perhaps a little too much space between them, she shifted over to him, thighs touching. She gripped his hand in hers, and leaned over into his shoulder. They were okay. He was fine. "We have to give our statements," she murmured to him. Castle stiffened at that and pointedly looked out the window. "Might be better if you told me what happened first," she suggested._

" _I already told you."_

" _Come on, babe."_

" _Do you mind if we don't do this_ _ **here**_ _?" he snapped at her._

 _Beckett let out the breath she had been holding. She thought she would get through to him. He obviously blamed himself for whatever happened in that room, but from what she'd seen, she could tell he had no choice in the matter. The only problem was, how was she going to make him see it that way, too?_

 _Richard Castle was a smart man. Surely on some level he knew that he couldn't control everything. She rested her cheek on his shoulder. "Okay," she said, after a moment, catching the cab driver's glance in the rear view mirror. The rest of the drive to the precinct was done in silence. They stepped out of the cab, paid their fare, and went inside._

* * *

 _They found privacy in her office. She shut the door and after looking out at the bullpen at the Feds that were setting up shop in her domain, she closed the blinds. Turning to Castle, she found him looking out the window of her office to the street below. She came up behind him, hands coming up his shoulder blades to rest by his neck._

" _I just want to see Mother and Alexis. I just need to figure out what I'm going to tell them," he said after a moment._

" _The truth?"_

" _A variation, maybe," he shrugged._

" _What about me, Rick? Are you figuring out what you're going to tell me? A variation, maybe?"_

 _He turned and his eyes cut sharply to her. He was about to say he always told her the truth, but he closed his mouth before he did. They both knew it wasn't true. After all, wasn't choosing to forget two months of his life a variation of lying? Her gaze was like a truth serum on their own. He was swimming in them. No wonder suspects always confessed their crimes to her. She was a master of the art, and she didn't need science to do it._

" _I just…" He moved away from her and her loving touch._

" _You know," she stopped him, hand catching his bicep. "I'm a pretty smart girl, Castle. I took one look in that room tonight, and I can tell you that I already know what happened."_

 _Shit. There was that scared little boy again._

 _He opened his mouth, he was going to lay it all out for her… and then a Fed walked in without knocking._

* * *

 ** _A/N:_ Somebody hold the phone. My fic is on twitter or something? That's so cool, and flattering and I totally made a twitter account. Caskett_Feels. I have no idea where, but someone told me in a review. Hah. **

**Thanks again for everyone's support. Your kind words mean the world to me, and I will strive to keep delivering chapters that make you want to keep reading. So, please, tell me what you like, tell me what you don't like (be constructive) and I'll try to keep doing more (or less) of what makes you guys tick.**

 **Damnit... I just want sneak peeks for next weeks episode... UGH. Life sucks. I miss Castle. I have the #CaskettFeels**


	6. Chapter 6

_'You know what I'd do if I had a time machine?'_

 _'Hmm?'_

 _'I'd go back to… relive all those moments. You know, holding her tiny hand, putting her up on my shoulders, just… I can't believe those times are gone.'_

 _'I know, Castle, but think about all of the great times you have to look forward to in her future… and in ours.'_

 _'Yeah… assuming there is a future…'_

 _ **\- Richard Castle and Kate Beckett**_

* * *

 _They sit in her office for over an hour going over her statement. She felt like she was getting the third degree from the agent who had made himself comfortable on her couch, but understood that it was par for the course. She'd dealt with his kind before, but as she looked over at Castle, who was standing in the corner with his arms crossed and looking more disturbed than she had ever seen him, she had to wonder if he would be able to handle this. She'd caught a glimpse into his current mental state, and she knew that he was teetering on the edge of his emotions._

" _Okay, I think I have everything I need from you, Captain," the federal agent said. "Mister Castle, you're up." They waited for him to come out of the corner, but after a moment, realized it wasn't happening. In fact, his arms tightened ever so slightly across his chest._

 _It wasn't until Beckett stretched out her arm to him, that he finally met her gaze. This wasn't how she wanted it to go down. She didn't want to hear what happened with an audience in the room, but that ship sailed and was long gone now. He came to her then, taking the vacant chair next to hers. Her hand clasped his, a show of unity and support in the face of a man who seemingly wanted to cut down their stories, not unlike being cross examined on the witness stand, which was something they all had to look forward to in the coming months._

 _She immediately flashed to Castle on the stand, and was once again astounded by how quickly Caleb had cut him down. Granted, in the end, that was for the better as his statement could have sent an innocent woman to prison – but_ _ **still**_ _._

 _Castle delved into his tale, and found it hard to continue when he reached the part where he left his P.I. Office and family in the capable hands of Haley. That woman – he didn't know what he'd do without her. She was a fierce warrior, like Beckett. So, he broke his promise to Beckett and left. They both avoided eye contact at the admission. It was one thing to know it was true already, but to hear him say it out loud, it was something different. It struck chords, and she couldn't even be upset about it because she had gone and done the same thing. What a pair they made._

" _I hailed a cab," he said. "It was the first one I got in."_

" _That's good," the fed muttered, writing down his notes, despite the fact that a tape recorder was sitting between the three of them. "We'll be able to use the traffic cam footage from outside your office. I imagine Mr. Flynn – was it? – would have been sitting there for a long time waiting for you to come along."_

" _Possibly," Castle ground out. After a moment, he carried on about the music for a few minutes, trailing off in a ramble that Beckett pulled him out of with the gentle squeeze of her hand. She didn't care how sweaty his hands were (hers were equally so), she wasn't going to let go. "He held me at gunpoint around the corner, cuffed me, blindfolded me, then drugged me, and when I woke up, I was strapped to that table. I_ _ **thought**_ _he was going to torture me."_

 _Beckett shifted uncomfortably in her chair at the mere thought of someone breaking his fingers, pummelling his face. God, she remembered the psychological terror of the bag of spiders on his head, used in an attempt to extract her whereabouts when this all started. While she was confident he didn't have a clue at the time, if he had, there was no way he would have given her up. His loyalty surpassed all others, and she didn't enjoy the feeling of knowing she had put him in the crosshairs because of that._

" _But no, he said he would rely on science, instead. So, he stuck another needle in me and gave me a dose of his truth serum."_

" _Truth… serum?"_

" _I know, right?" Castle scoffed._

" _Mister Castle, I need you to be serious here. This isn't one of those fanciful books you write."_

" _I write mysteries, not fantasy you as-"_

" _Jesus, Castle!" Beckett interrupted quickly, looking from Castle to the agent. "Look, he's telling you the truth."_

" _Because he's under the influence of a_ _ **truth serum**_ _? Give me a break."_

" _Because he has no reason to lie. The doctors took his blood. They're testing it right now, and there's more of the substance at the scene for you to run your own tests. But, let's just cut the crap here, hmm? You're a top agent, they wouldn't have sent you otherwise. I'm sure there are all sorts of things you keep under lock and key, and I would lay odds that a truth serum would be one of them, whether it's the real deal or a theory about to become the real deal and this Flynn guy just…_ _ **beat you to it**_ _."_

" _And you would be wrong, Captain." He turned his attention back to Castle before Beckett had a chance to call 'bullshit' on him. "Mister Castle, what happened after he dosed you with this_ _ **substance**_ _?"_

" _He called it a chemical truth agent, agent. The second he put the needle in… I knew he wasn't bluffing, and even the possibility that it would work… it scared the hell out of me. So, he waited for it to kick, said that within the hour, I would tell him everything he wanted to know – and then I would die." Castle kept his eyes pointedly on the agent. He couldn't bear to look at her, but she really wished he would._

 _Castle delved into what little he knew about Flynn, and how he was raised by the state, didn't have a family. "He started asking questions," Castle shifted anxiously in his seat._

" _What kind?"_

" _Personal questions. About Beckett; about how I fell in love with her;_ _ **why**_ _I fell in love with her. And I… answered; couldn't control myself."_

" _Tell me more about your conversation."_

" _What does it matter?" Castle growled. "He's a sick sociopath who messed with my head."_

" _It all matters, Mister Castle."_

" _He blamed Beckett, alright? He said it was her fault that I was on the table in the first place. That if it weren't for her, I would have a much longer life ahead of me. Are you happy, Agent?" Beckett's breath caught in her throat, and she immediately felt the bitter sting of those words, words she had already been beating herself up with. "And he asked if after everything, would I want to go back and have a do-over." Castle turned his gaze over to Beckett, and she saw his emotions sitting in them, ready to spill over at a moment's notice._

 _For a second, she feared the answer._

" _The answer was no," he said, and just like that, all the air came rushing out of her. She squeezed his hand harder, eyes welling up. "But… after what I did…"_

" _Rick…" she whispered._

" _LokSat came in. Mason Wood. I couldn't believe my eyes. I thought the serum was screwing with me, but it was him. He st – he started asking me questions." Beckett felt Castle quiver, the tears came as he relived it for the record. "I couldn't… I couldn't stop myself." All the people he gave up, the names of those he loved who knew about LokSat. It was especially hard when he got to his family. "I tried to stop… I did. I begged him not to, but then he left to get you, Kate… I… I..."_

" _If you knew this LokSat was so dangerous… did it not occur to you, to either of you, to keep your families out of it?" the Agent asked._

 _Beckett looked up at him furiously, hot tears in her eyes, too. "We're done here," she snapped, rising from her chair and putting herself between her husband and the agent. She couldn't let Castle go through another second of this. She reached for the recorder and shut it off, handing it back to him._

 _She escorted the man out of her office, and when the door shut behind them, she turned to look at Castle, who was hunched forward in his chair, head buried in his hands. She came to him and sank down to her knees in front of him. Her hands reached out, taking his wrists to gentle his hands out of her way. "Oh, Castle," she whispered, seeing his eyes, so full of despair. "You have to know this isn't on you. Please tell me you know that."_

 _He just shook and bowed his head further._

" _Castle, I need you to listen to me now, and really hear me, okay?" she said, her own voice nearly faltering. "Hey…" Beckett needed to see his eyes, to know he was listening, and when he looked up at her, she was grateful that he hadn't completely shut down yet. "What happened to you today, it's horrible, but_ _ **this**_ _isn't your fault. It's_ _ **his**_ _. You are a victim in this. He violated you."_

 _Her words struck him. A victim? No, no, no. She had it backwards. He was the villain. "I gave up everyone, Beckett. Everyone… how can you even… I couldn't control my words… I knew exactly what I was saying as I was saying it."_

" _Babe – Rick – listen to me." Beckett reached her hands up to cradle his jaw. "You said it yourself; you had no control. I know you and you would never give us up."_

" _What will mother and Alexis think when they find out…?"_

 _His thoughts had already taken him to some pretty dark places, she could tell. Beckett brushed her thumb along his lower lip. "They'll understand," she assured him. "I understand, and I don't love you any less for it. It only makes me hate them that much more." She paused for a moment, letting him soak up what she was saying. "And if you want, we don't have to tell them." She felt him suck in a breath at that. "Whatever you decide, I am at your side, Castle. Always."_

 _Castle nodded, letting her know he was taking her suggestion seriously. Good. "We made it, Castle," she murmured to him, leaning in to press her mouth against his. Her hand coiled around the back of his neck, and his wrapped around her, latching onto her leather jacket as their mouths danced together. In that moment, it all fell away like it always did. It was just the two of them wrapped up in each other._

 _Parting for air, she looked him over. His tears were nearly dried, and he was starting to look more like himself. Of course, she knew this wasn't the end of this, but it was dealt with for now. "You should call your mother, Alexis and Hayley," she said, knowing it was selfish to keep him to herself._

 _Castle just shook his head and pulled her onto his lap, and she came willingly, draping her legs over the arm of the chair. "Not yet," he said._

 _She nodded, but she would push again soon. "How close was I to losing you, today," she whispered, the question a rhetorical one as she took him in all over again. The thought alone made her heart thunder in her chest._

* * *

Her father was the first visitor to enter the private room. Beckett didn't dare move. She was still afraid to blink, fearing that somehow, he would just vanish in that split second. Nurses had come and gone, checking his vitals on a much more regulated schedule. "Katie," Jim said, coming to the side of her bed. Her back was to him, but he didn't want to stand between her and her husband. It seemed wrong.

"I can't reach him," she whispered, gripping the rail.

Jim looked towards the door, considering bringing it to the administration's attention. Resolves, he came around the side of her bed, stepping into her line of view. Her eyes darted up to him for a second, questions dancing there. He gave her a smile, the mischievous sort he gave her when they'd mess with her mother, his wife.

When he started to fumble with the latches on the railing, her heart fluttered, finding new depths of love for her father. It was all happening too fast and too slow at the same time. Unlocking the wheels, he gentled her bed closer to Castle's, and she reached for him the whole way. She grasped his hand through his own rail, but she didn't care. Her bed was right alongside his now, and if it weren't for the railing, the monitors or the sterile scent of the room, she might think they were just laying in bed, having a lazy Sunday morning.

She gasped at the simple touch, the gentle coil of her fingers collecting his in her palm. "Castle," she whispered, tears anew in her eyes. "I'm here." His hand wasn't cold, though it wasn't the warmest she'd ever felt it either. Color was lacking, too, but it didn't matter because he was still alive.

She heard the deft click of the door closing, and she knew that her father had left her to be alone with him. Bless that man. "You have to come back to me now," she said, "because I'm not letting go. And you have so much to live for, babe." Beckett pulled his hand through the rail, mindful of the IV he was attached to. She brought their hands to rest on her stomach, her hand splayed over his.

"Our future, it's finally here…"

* * *

 **A/N: Just so you know, I totally busted out my Caskett Always mug today. It's not vital information for you, but every time I took a sip, all I kept thinking was, "I hate you, ABC, I hate you."**

 **ANYWAY, this update turned out to be longer than expected. Any mistakes are obviously my own, and considering I wrote most of this into the wee hours of the morning on my PHONE... in bed, and THEN had to go to work... well... that's how much I want to keep you guys entertained.**

 **I'm about to start a new tradition, I think, and I hope I can keep up with it. In honor of CastleFicMonday, I think every Sunday night, I am going to watch one episode, from the very beginning. And on Monday, I am going to post a story called 'Gaps', and this will be a collection of stories, filling in missing scenes from the seasons as I go along.**

 **That's the dream, anyway... since muses are fickle things.**

 **Except Kate Beckett. She's not fickle at all.**

 **BTW, I had a question about the artwork for this fic, and the answer is that yes, I drew it personally, and I hope to meet Stana one day so she can sign it for me. I also have one of Castle/Nathan, too.**

 **So, I hope you enjoyed the update. As always, let me know what you think, or even how you're holding up in the face of a Castle-less Monday coming up.**

 **Next Chapter might see the return of a long lost character.**

 **Toodles!**


	7. Chapter 7

_Think about how much you love Alexis, and that is how much I love you. And don't you dare ask me where this is coming from. You have gotten through most of your life on your wit and charm and no small amount of talent, but that is the real world out there, and you can't charm your way out of a bullet._

 _ **Martha Rodgers**_

* * *

Nurses came and went and oh, the first few who entered were subject to her scrutiny. Her green eyes watching their every move as they rolled down the sheet covering him to check his wound. She couldn't see it from the angle she was at, but when the nurse removed the bandage, she could see the dried blood on it. She watched with rapt attention as nurses checked his vitals, the tubes coming out of his side, the IVs in his arm. When the last nurse in this rotation left, Beckett shook her head as an amusing thought tickled her.

"You were always high maintenance," she teased, her weak voice seemingly loud in the small room. "I think it's really over this time, Castle." Even as she said it, it felt like someone had just ninja'd her brain. "I mean, what possible connections could LokSat have now?" It was meant to reassure herself, but she couldn't find the truth in those words. Somehow, ' _what if'_ had made itself a home in her head. All it took was one connection.

One phone call from inside to the outside. Was it possible that Mason Wood had that kind of pull still? "I wish you'd say something reassuring right about now," she muttered, feeling the droop in her eyes beginning to take hold. She'd been fighting her exhaustion for the last few hours, since she was brought in. She didn't want to take her eyes off her man and she didn't want to feel like she was letting him down by falling asleep. Rationally, she knew it was an absurd thought, but at the moment, it was hard to be rational.

The beeps filled the silence, and as she listened to them, to his heartbeat, it started to lull her. She found herself sinking into her pillow, her grasp on his hand loosening to a comfortable touch. Eyes fell closed, the beeping in the room fell away, but her hand never strayed from his.

It was only a couple of hours later than she woke to the sound of the door opening. She looked over her shoulder towards it and she never thought in her wildest dreams that she'd see him again. "Josh," she said, watching as he strolled up to her bed with his hands in the pockets of his scrubs.

"Hey," he said, looking her over. After a moment, he sighed, because here they were again. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I've been shot," she replied, a slow smile spreading across her face. They'd had this conversation before, exactly, though it felt like it was in another life altogether. He didn't appreciate her answer then, and he didn't look like he appreciated it now.

He looked around the room, taking in the man in the bed next to him, and he got a pretty vivid image of what his jealousy of the man amounted to. He'd asked her, once upon a time, in the final stages of their break up, if she was sleeping with him. Of course, she denied it, but she did admit to the kiss that didn't mean anything other than an undercover distraction.

"It's not his fault," Beckett said, as if reading his mind. He tore his eyes away from Castle and looked down at her. Her face was pale, but her eyes were sincere.

"I didn't say anything," he said.

"You were not saying it very loudly."

Josh smiled at that, inclining his head. He forgot how well she could read people, especially him. He thought himself a pretty complicated guy, the kind that was difficult to read, but she read him fairly easily. He liked that about her, but he couldn't say the same. She was always so closed off in their relationship. "Well, it wasn't his fault last time, either. At least, that's what you told me."

"Hasn't changed."

"I thought enough time had passed that I wouldn't feel like this when I came in here," he shrugged.

"Like what?" Her eyes were piercing, even in her current condition.

"I didn't think it would hurt this much to see you like this, Kate. Brings back unpleasant memories." Beckett swallowed, nodding her head, but wondering where this was going. There was a nervous feeling in the pit of her stomach – or was that hunger? Josh looked at Castle again with the practiced eye of a doctor, but saw him for what he was. Beckett's _husband_.

"I'm sorry…?" Beckett murmured, renewing her hold on Castle's hand. She wasn't going to let go, even if it would spare Josh some of whatever he was feeling. She wasn't up for hashing out the past, and truthfully, this man hadn't been a blip on her radar in years.

"I was just thinking… if you had said yes to me that day instead of breaking up with me, that would be _me_ laying there." He sounded as though he was truly astounded by the realization.

She looked over at Castle, squeezing his hand. She couldn't believe the thought that had just entered her mind; that she would gladly accept that trade if it meant Castle was never on the receiving end of the bullet. Of course, she didn't want all of the strings that came with what the doctor had just said – it would still be Castle's ring on her finger. Oh God… "I think I'm going to be sick," she announced, twisting over towards him, unable to even gasp at the pain. Castle's hand slipped from hers.

A bucket was handed to her, and Beckett had no idea Josh could move that fast. After she finished with the bucket, Josh set it down off to the side. The pain got to her now, and she was gasping, and groaning and feeling like the world was crashing down all around her. It wasn't lost on her that they'd been in this position before, too.

Breathing heavily through the pain and losing control of her tears because of it, she felt a hand brushing her damp hair off her forehead. She wanted to tell him to stop; it wasn't his place to gentle her this way, but her voice was gone.

All she could think, though, was that even if his idea of the future had happened, even if they had gotten married and bought a house with a white picket fence and had a golden retriever…

 _It still wouldn't be you lying in that bed fighting for your life._

Suddenly, Castle's heart monitor sang a different tune.

* * *

" _Too close," he replied. "The guys… they uh… they got there…" Castle stuttered to a stop. "We're going to have to put Kevin's kids through college."_

 _Beckett looked up at him, her hand continuing to graze along his jaw. The prickly shadow was a comfort against her skin. She loved just the right amount of hair on his face. "That close?"_

" _That close. It was some kind of chemical. Flynn said I had twelve seconds once it started."_

" _That's close," she nodded, and took a mental note about how much easier he was talking about it. Without the Fed in the room, it was just the two of them. She took it as a good sign._

" _What times is it?" Castle asked. His eyes were closed, and his forehead rested against his wife's, arms wrapped around her to hold her in his lap. She shifted to peer at the clock on the wall and sighed. "Just after 5," she replied. It had been a long, emotional night. She just wanted to get Castle back home so they could sleep. His tears had finally dried, and she loathed that she was going to have to send him back to the Fed to complete his statement._

 _It could wait, though. She was comfortable sitting in his lap. A privilege, she knew, and one that she had taken for granted and nearly lost today. Her nose bumped his, completely by accident, but his touched hers again, and again and Oh God, her heart was swelling for him. He was so tender and perfect, and seemingly back to his normal self for now._

 _With the blinds closed to her office, she could care less about how unprofessional this might look. She'd sit in his lap often in the loft, just like this, in the loft. His strong arms wrapped around her perfectly. One thing_ _ **always**_ _led to another, though._

 _She needed him so bad right now, though, and it wasn't just physical. Their mouths met again, and she couldn't contain the tiny whimper that escaped from the back of her throat when he responded to her, kissing her passionately. He knew just what she needed, because he needed it, too._

 _Just… love._

 _The kiss didn't go beyond that. He didn't sweep everything off her desk and throw her down on it to make life-affirming love. He didn't tear through her clothes, giving into his primal need for her. The kiss transcended all of that. There would never be a moment that would feel as complete as this one. It was just them, both split open, raw emotion oozing out from one and pouring into the other – exchanging their love, and their pain._

 _One in the same._

 _She hummed when they broke apart, flipping her hair over her shoulder so she could rest her head comfortably in the crook of his neck._

" _Thank you for coming to get me," she found herself saying._

" _Always."_

" _If it weren't for you…"_

" _I'm sure you would have taken him down without me just fine," he said._

" _So much better with you, though." A moment passed, silent and still until Beckett reached up to brush away the dampness on her face._

" _What is it?"_

" _He said you were in the incinerator." It hurt to say It, to even think it. It was worse knowing that if Ryan and Espo hadn't gotten there when they did, then Mason would have been right. "And, I believed him. When I looked at him… he wasn't lying. He believed it."_

 _When Castle didn't say anything, she pulled away from him enough to look at him. Her gaze flicked to his mouth, feeling the echo of the kiss from just moments before on her lips still._

 _Castle was smiling. Her brow furrowed at him. "What's that look for?" She didn't find it smile worthy at all._

" _I heard what you said to him." He shrugged like it was nothing, but she had yet to find the significance in what he was saying. "You thought I was gone… and…" Huh, even this was a little hard for him to wrap his mind around. "… And you chose to live, Kate. You told him you weren't going down without a fight."_

" _I chose_ _ **you**_ _," she whispered, conviction in her tone. "I don't want to think about living a life without you, but when he said you were in there, and I believed him," Beckett hastily wiped at another tear, "I was going to do everything in my power to… kill him… for you. And I thought that if I died trying, then at least I would be with you. I can't stand the thought of being without you, Rick."_

 _"And if you succeeded, what then?"_

 _"I don't know."_

 _They've danced around this issue before, always stopping just short of when it got too serious._

 _He brushed a hand through her hair and she leaned into the touch, allowing the pad of his thumb to swipe over her cheek. "In my head, I feel like I can survive anything. That's my writers imagination, but… that's not how it works out here in the real world. And you and I… we get so close to it, but this is just one of those things that we never talk about. I would want you to go on living, Kate," he murmured gently. "Fight to live, and not fall down the rabbit hole again. I would want you to find joy in every day, and remember how much I love you. Not even death could take that from us. And if I wasn't meant to be your happily ever after…"_

 _Beckett placed a hand on his chest, and his hand closed over hers. "Please stop, Castle," she pleaded._

" _You were mine," he insisted._

" _It doesn't matter now," she shot back. "It's_ _ **over**_ _."_

 _Castle merely smiled at her again, a sad smile that said he wished he could believe that. "It's over, until it's not."_

* * *

 ** _A/N: Well, now I feel guilty because people are reading my other fics, but my muse is woefully lacking for them. I'm sorry! I do want to revisit Lifeline, though. Perhaps once this fic is done... Problem is, I have a thought for some fics after this one._**

 ** _Thank you so much for your support in this fic. I am trying my best to do the characters justice for you. I know I obviously have them a little more emotional than you would ever see on the show, but maybe that's just something that I see as a flaw and am trying to fix... maybe... possibly... don't hurt me._**

 ** _I'm only partially sorry I brought back Josh. Partially. I really only had the brief thought of what if Kate married him instead... who would be in the bed next to her? LOL._**

 ** _Anyway. I watched S01E01 today, and tomorrow I will try to find a scene to write for #CastleFicMonday._**

 ** _Until tomorrow, Caskett fans. Until tomorrow._**


	8. Chapter 8

_Aw, Castle. That's so sweet. You want me to outlive you?_

 _Of course! Who else is going to tell my tale of sacrifice and selflessness?_

 _ **Kate Beckett and Richard Castle**_

* * *

" _What's that supposed to mean?" she inquired, sniffling away her tears. She looked at their hands, drawn to them. She understood his generalized meaning. In fact, it was a philosophy she tended to live by herself. There was always some big bad around the corner. A long time ago, she had let her mother's case go after coming up against too many walls that were too high for her to scale and damn near impenetrable._

 _Then this man came along, and suddenly, it wasn't over anymore. They took steps forward, only to take several back, and then it was over. Until it wasn't. Again, and again. This case had given them both the worst case of whiplash imaginable._

" _I mean," he sighed heavily under her, "that there is never a right time, Kate, but we do need to talk about this. Before it's too late. Of all the things that we've put on hold for this crusade of yours… ours, we shouldn't have put this off."_

" _I think we haven't talked about it because we know exactly what the other is going to say," Beckett offered, but he felt her deflating in his arms. They wanted the other to be happy, to go on living, but the reality of it was something different. Seeing Mason had ignited a rage inside her after learning of Castle's 'death'. That kind of feeling didn't just go away overnight. "But, okay. We'll talk about it. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but soon?"_

" _That is a risky compromise, Katherine Beckett-Castle," the writer mockingly chastised her. She let out a tiny giggle, a small sound that he lived to hear whenever possible. "What if something happened today or tomorrow. One of us could die tonight and we wouldn't have updated last will and testaments."_

" _Soon," Beckett promised again. "Tonight, I just want to take you home, babe," she mumbled, shy in the delivery of her wishes, a wish they both knew he would never deny. "I just want to take you home, take you to bed and celebrate life with you. Our future is ours again, Rick."_

 _He smiled at her and it was all gone. The last twenty-four hours had seemingly melted away. "How do you do that," he found himself saying, captivated by her._

" _Castle, if you need me to explain sex to you after all this time, then we seriously have a problem…" she trailed, teasing glint in her eye. Yes, that was the smile she was aiming for, that one right there, reserved only for her. He was shaking his head, though, amused by her humor at his expense. It was old hat, a normalcy that he didn't think he would find today, a small scrap of joy._

" _You make it all better," Castle explained, serious and lovestruck all the same. "You make it all go away until it's just you… and me, together."_

 _Her hand came up to cradle his cheek, holding his gaze with her own. "Always," she whispered, moving in to kiss him, pouring her love for him into it. It was a kiss that lingered, followed by multiple little smooches that she couldn't get enough of._

 _Her hand carded through his hair, wondering what was going through that brilliant mind of his. He was suppressing his trauma for now, and she knew how that story went._

" _I know what will make you feel even better, though," she said, raising her eyebrow knowingly._

" _Sex in your office?"_

 _She barked a laugh. "Besides that, and in 'never gonna happen land'."_

" _Hmm," he pouted. "What then?"_

" _Call your mother, and Alexis. I know you'll feel better when you see them; and hug them."_

 _Beckett pulled her phone out of her back pocket, which took a little jimmying as she squirmed in his lap. She handed it to him and after a second of staring at it, he took it from her, looking at the lock screen. He knew her password by heart – their anniversary (admittedly, his was the same) – but he couldn't quite punch in the numbers just yet. His hand shook, remnant tremors still living inside him._

" _It's okay," she whispered reassuringly._

 _Castle nodded. "It's just, a little too much, y'know?"_

" _If anyone can understand that, I can."_

" _I know you can." It was the reason he was able to bare his soul to her the way he had and expose his flaws._

" _We're both raw right now, but just… think about tonight. Us, going home together, the quiet of the loft, some dinner, a soothing bath…" Castle's eyes slipped shut, and she knew he was imagining every detail. He hummed his approval to her. "And then, we go to bed." He quivered at her salacious tone and the images it concocted in his mind._

" _I think you mean this morning," he rumbled dreamily, but he didn't mind._

" _My mistake," she acquiesced, eyes shining with love for him. "Just hold onto that thought, though." She looked down at his hand. It had stopped shaking, and her phone was no longer in danger of smashing against the hardwood of the floor. "The sooner we wrap this up, the sooner we can get out of here." It was almost like a song, and his eyes snapped open._

 _He punched in her lock code and found his mother's name in her contacts._

 _Beckett moved to shift off his lap, but he wouldn't have it._

 _Not yet._

* * *

She had never entertained the thought of what her life would be like now if she had chosen Josh over Castle. She never had a reason to, and still didn't, so she didn't know why she was thinking about it now. All Beckett knew was that if it were Josh's ring she was wearing, then he still wouldn't have been the one lying on the bed. Something told her, deep and profound, that it would still be Castle. It would always be Castle who would walk through hell with her, and _for her_. It was a scary notion, and one that thought sucker punched her; knowing that no matter what alternate universe she entertained, Castle would still be lying there, right next to her with a bullet in his heart.

The monitor next to him made a different noise suddenly, causing Beckett to look over at Castle immediately. "What was that?" she demanded, hand gripping Castle's railing as she twisted back over towards him. It took everything she had not to crawl over the ridiculous divider between them and lay side by side.

Josh looked up at the monitor, his hand abandoning her hair, and he moved around to Castle's bedside, picking up his clipboard. "It's alright," he said after a moment, letting out a long drawn out sigh. The monitor went back to the usual rhythmic beeps.

She pulled herself up far enough, grunting with the effort to reach her hand out and touch his forehead and stroke back his hair. He was clammy under her touch, and she detected the hint of a fever, or maybe that was her. She felt quite warm, too. "Is he okay?" Beckett suddenly became unaware of who was in the room with her. She wasn't going to hold back her love for her husband – and wouldn't – just because her ex-boyfriend had inherited them as his patients. "Just tell me he's going to be okay," she pleaded, fingers carding through his hair, oh his precious hair. It was really starting to look better after the barber had shaved it just a little too short the last time. It was a mess now, tousled and all over the place. It was undoubtedly the doing of Martha, or maybe even Alexis. She did her best to move it back to the way he liked it, but the short strands were being as stubborn as she was.

Beckett wished he would move, just a twitch, something that told her he was still in there somewhere. His eyes didn't flutter, his fingers didn't move, there was no sleep fogged groan as the morning light assaulted them through their bedroom window.

"It doesn't look good, Kate," Josh said, writing on the clipboard in his doctor's scrawl that she could never read. Even the card on the flowers he had sent her was illegible.

"What happened?" she asked, then trapped her lip between her teeth, holding it all in by a mere thread. She willed him to wake up, to give them a sign that he was ready for the next stage in his treatment. She wanted the tube gone so she could see his face unobstructed.

"His heart is skipping beats," Josh replied, somewhat absently as he continued writing down his readings. "Has been since he was brought in." He looked up at Beckett and she met his gaze. Her own heart was fluttering, an uneven staccato in her breast. "It's increasing in frequency."

She looked back to Castle, shaking her head. "Stay with me, Castle." So soft, almost imperceptible, but Josh caught it.

"We're in a bit of a catch 22 here, Kate." Did he think she didn't know that? Since learning of his condition, it was all she could think about. "We need to remove the bullet from his heart, but we can't do that until his condition improves, and that may not be possible with the bullet there."

"Is he going to die?" she found herself asking, tears clogging her throat. The realist in her wouldn't rest. She wanted an answer, but she didn't want it at the same time.

"I'll do my best to make sure that doesn't happen," he said. It was all he could say. There were no definitive promises that he could make that would secure her future with Writer-boy. "Every time his heart skips like this, there's an increased chance that he will not resume a normal heartbeat, and that leads to complications, maybe even a heart attack."

Beckett whimpered. "When will he wake up?"

"We don't know. It's already been a couple of days. I'd hoped he would have woken up by now. It could be, Kate, that he may never wake up-"

"Don't say that," she hissed at the doctor, but her attention was completely focused on Castle. He was so still, and it was all surreal. "He's warm," she noted.

"We're treating him for that. It's a minor infection. In a few hours, I'm going to come back for him."

"You're taking him?" She nearly panicked at the thought.

"Just to remove the tubes from his chest, run some tests." She dreaded the thought, but understood that Josh was only doing his job. "Um… Kate?" When she looked up at him, all he could do was point to her abdomen. She looked down at where Castle's railing was jammed against her side.

Blood seeped through her gown. She didn't care. She just wanted to keep touching him. She felt lost without him talking her ear off. "Looks like we need to fix your stitches, first."

* * *

 **A/N: So, I'll be honest with you, I was going to post this yesterday. For all you dedicated readers, I am sorry I did not. When I got to the hospital part of this chapter, yesterday I had something completely different and it didn't sit right with me. So, I thought about it all today, and this still doesn't quite sit right with me, but it's better than it was I can assure you. Like I said, I don't know the first thing about medical stuff, so this fic is a little challenging in that respect in trying to keep it believable.**

 **Thank you all for continuing this journey with me as we go through the rest of our Castleless days.**

 **BTW... I totally bought Castle and Beckett custom made Funko figures from Etsy. Who fucking cares how expensive they were... This is vital information, apparently. :P**


	9. Chapter 9

' _What makes you think that I would be with Sorenson if you hadn't come along?'_

' _Alright, where would you be?'_

' _If you weren't around to distract me?'_

' _Yeah.'_

' _Um, I would probably be… Captain of my own precinct.'_

' _Wow.'_

' _Yeah.'_

' _Okay. Had I not been bewitched by you, I think by now I'd be working on my second Pulitzer.'_

' _So, we're bad for each other, huh?'_

' _The worst.'_

' _I guess we'd both be better off if we never met.'_

 _ **Kate Beckett and Richard Castle**_

* * *

She felt weak, and she knew she couldn't keep this up for long. It was taking more effort than she realized just to reach over and touch Castle and be connected to him.

Beckett flopped back down on her bed, a guttural groan filling the room as she did. Beckett looked up at the ceiling, and suddenly Josh was there. He down at her, spoke to her, but his words never reached her. She felt like she was on the brink, the edge of consciousness, the dark abyss she had been climbing out of since she had woken up in the hospital room downstairs to find out that Castle might not make it after all.

The sluggish feeling that came with her trauma, the emotions that seemed to be all encompassing that came with it, it was a hard battle to fight, and it was one she was losing. "Kate," Josh called to her, pulling her back to the here and now.

She shook her head at him, defiant. "No." What was he even doing there? And why was he touching her arm? "No," Beckett whined, stuck on repeat, feeling her heart seizing at the thought that Castle might not survive the night. The doctors were just biding their time, waiting for him to keel over so they could wrap this up with a neat little bow and close his file for good.

Her whole body felt like it was on fire. Airway closing, she couldn't suck in enough air.

"Come on, Kate, calm down. Take nice easy breaths, for yourself and the baby," Josh said, seeing the familiar signs of a PTSD episode taking hold of her. "Let me take a look at you. Kate, I need to look at the stitches."

The _baby._ She couldn't believe this. Her ex-boyfriend knew about the baby before her husband did. This was not how this was supposed to happen. "No!" she growled at him, panting for air, falling back on the time tested breathing exercises that Doctor Burke had shown her. Teeth grit together, she glared at him, as if seeing Josh for the first time. "Does anyone here even know about your connection to us?"

"You need to get those stitches looked at." Of course he would evade her question. It meant that no one in the hospital knew they used to date or that he had a severe dislike for her then partner, and he wasn't going to offer up that information, even if he was asked.

"Yes," she agreed, with determination in her eye. Her stitches did need to be looked at, her wound resewn. "Just, not by you."

"I can help you. I really am very good at what I do. You won't find a better doctor in this hospital."

She let out a scoff despite herself. "Forgot… that your ego... rivals Castle's, most days." She glared at him, finding her heart traveling towards hatred for this man who was imposing himself on her and Castle's treatment. And for what? She didn't have an answer. When they parted ways those years ago, it was amicable enough, right? Of course he was upset, but she thought she had made him understand that for as well as they worked together, they just didn't work.

"I can't believe he got you shot again. I told you this would happen, didn't."

"The 'I told you so' card? Now? Really?" she seethed, but it didn't last long. "He didn't get me shot," she shook her head after a moment, guilt creeping through her body all over again. "I got him shot."

Looking at Josh now and watching him trying to understand how her words were possible (or dismissing them out of hand because this was always going to be Castle's fault), it dawned on her, a connection she never thought she would ever make, the similarities in his face.

"You look like him."

Josh was taken aback. For a moment, he simply looked at her, both calculating the other. He shook his head, recovering from his initial shock. "Kate…" It was a plea. All he wanted was to be heard.

Beckett shifted away from him, inching closer towards Castle's bed. It was silly. Her husband couldn't protect her right now. Hell, she couldn't even protect herself. "Get away from me. Get away from us. _Officer!_ " The door burst open and the two uniforms that had been just outside stood there with their hands on their weapons.

"Kate… It's not what you think," Josh pleaded. "I _can_ explain."

"You're his son…? _Answer me_! Are you his son?" She didn't want to hear anything coming from his mouth other than the answer to her question.

"Yes."

Beckett gripped Castle's railing, a sob breaching her throat. She looked at her officers, the ones who were fiercely loyal to her and she still had no idea what she'd done to deserve it. "Get him out of here," she growled, eyes shining with unshed tears of anger and betrayal.

The officers seized the doctor's shoulders, pulling him back towards the door. "Kate!" Josh called as the door closed behind them. " _Please!_ We can talk about it!"

Despite the commotion outside, the room felt eerily silent. The monitors continued beeping, the whooshing of Castle's ventilator carried on. She was fixated on the door, though, and the people beyond who had no idea what had just transpired. She needed to tell Esposito and Ryan.

* * *

Suddenly, there was a hand on hers. She flinched, twisting back too sharply. It was a gasp of pain, and of surprise as she saw Castle's eyes on her, open and panicked as he struggled against the tube in his mouth. The heart monitor made some alarming sounds and she looked up at it, nearly panicking herself. She was about to grab his call button when the door opened, and Jim Beckett came marching in. "Katie, what happened?" he asked, obviously having caught witness to the manhandling of the doctor.

"Get a doctor!" she cried to him. "Castle's awake." Her own words were like music to her ears, but the panic on his face broke her heart. She reached out to him, touching his face. "Don't fight it," she instructed, watching as Castle tried to follow that direction. It was hard, she knew, so she kept touching him, kept him focused on her. "Hi." It was a breathy greeting, his ocean blue eyes taking all the air from her lungs. Castle tried to move, but she shook her head as he winced with pain. "No. No. Don't move, babe. It's important to stay still. Stay still for me?"

He gave a minute nod, and tears trickled from the corners of his eyes as he tried to relax.

"That's it," Beckett cooed, running her hand through his hair. "Oh, I've missed you, Blue Eyes." Her voice was watery, eyes shedding a small river of their own. "Welcome back." She brought their hands to her mouth, kissing his knuckles, and she still didn't feel close enough to him. "I thought I was going to lose you."

Castle gave a near imperceptible shake of his head. _No, never, never._ His voice rang through her head, and she smiled against his hand.

Despite the fact that her husband was awake and alert, she knew that this was far from over. Castle's heart still seemed like a ticking time bomb, and she didn't know how much time they had left. She tried not to let it show on her face, her worry for the immediate future... but Castle took one look at her and he knew.

And she knew he knew, too. "You're going to be fine," she promised.

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry this is a shorter chapter and doesn't have a piece of the second story. Instead, I give you a deleted scene from this chapter? I decided to go a different route, clearly, but figured... eh, why not show it.**

 **Deleted Scene:**

"Kate," Josh called to her, pulling her back to the here and now.

She shook her head at him, defiant. What was he even doing there? And why was he touching her arm? "No," Beckett whined, stuck on repeat, feeling her heart seizing at the thought that Castle might not survive the night. Her whole body felt like it was on fire. Airway closing, she couldn't suck in enough air.

"Come on, Kate, calm down. Take nice easy breaths, for yourself and the baby," Josh said. "Let me take a look at you."

 _The baby._ After a moment of stamping down her fear, she fell back on the old breathing exercises from her appointments with Doctor Burke. The man had been a lifesaver. Perhaps it wasn't in the strictest sense of the word, but what he did certainly made a difference and changed her whole outlook on therapy. It wasn't a weakness.

Josh peeled her gown, looking at her busted stitches. "You've got one lucky kid," he said with an indifferent shrug. "Luckier than ours, anyway."

"Wh-what?"

"I found the pregnancy test in the trash that day I came over to make you dinner." Josh looked at her, and she saw a flare of anger on his face. "Did you abort our child?"

"That…." Beckett huffed. "It was a false positive."


	10. Chapter 10

_No, I know. It's just… Castle and I are about to become a family, which is weird enough as it is, and he and Alexis have this whole history that has_ nothing _to do with me. And it kind of feels like when it comes to the two of them, I'm always gonna be on the outside._

 _Perfect families don't exist. It's gonna be up to you to find a way to make your baggage match their baggage. It's up to you to make your own history._

 _ **Kate Beckett and Lanie Parish**_

* * *

The tube had been removed from his throat, and she had gotten new stitches, much to Castle's concern, and slight dismay. He couldn't fault her for _how_ it had happened, because he knew all too well that if it had been him, he would have broken those stitches long before she had. They may have convinced the doctor to lower the railing between them, and when their beds were pushed back together, their hands came together like magnets. His thumb stroked the back of hers, and it was sooo good to have him back.

"… So, it's important that you don't move around, Mister Castle," the doctor said from next to the writer.

Castle tore his eyes away from Beckett and looked up at the doctor. "Huh?"

Exasperated, the doctor repeated, "You have a bullet in your heart. It ricocheted off a bone. It's not completely in your heart, but mostly. At times, you will feel like your heart is skipping beats, and that's because it is. So, don't move around. No stress. We need to keep your heart rate low, or we'll have to look at other options, like… sedation."

"Promise, won't move."

"And you," the doctor gave a pointed look at Beckett. She shrank somewhat under his scrutiny. "Don't bust any more stitches, okay?"

"Okay," she agreed, tilting her head to look at Castle with her megawatt smile. She was tired, exhausted even, but she couldn't fall asleep even if she wanted to. Perhaps it was her training as a detective; being woken up at all hours in the night, pulling multiple sleepless nights in a row.

This, right here and now, was a wake up all. Her fingers linked with his as she lay somewhat comfortably on her side, and he gave her hand a weak squeeze in return. "Your family is still here, outside, but it's well after visiting hours now, so you'll have to wait until morning to see them."

Beckett nodded for the both of them, a smile on her face as she looked at Castle. He had a little life back in his skin now, but he still felt a little warm to her touch when she had last brushed her hand across his forehead.

Eventually, the doctor retreated, leaving them alone in the room where Castle's heartbeat continued to register on the monitor. He looked so boyish with his hair like that, but he also looked weak, and in pain despite the meds they had given him.

" W'happen'd?" he asked her, mind fogged over. His eyes were tired, dark circles under them that made him look older than he was.

"Shhh," she tried instead, coaxing him to rest, feeling like everything could wait until he was better. She underestimated him, though, and he squeezed her hand in weak punishment. Beckett sighed, wondering if he had truly heard a word the doctor had said. "You were shot," she answered.

"Bad?"

"Very bad," she agreed.

"You?"

"Not as bad." Except for the complication of being pregnant at the time. It was on the tip of her tongue. She wanted to be the first to tell him, and she knew that by waiting, she ran the risk of someone letting it slip first. She couldn't tell him like this, though, when he seemingly wouldn't understand it. Or worse, when he would understand it and it would give him a heart attack. Literally.

"Be okay?"

Her heart melted for him. It didn't matter how far gone he was, he always put her first. "Yeah," she breathed, letting her thumb brush along his hand. "We both will be." Whether that was a slip of her own, she wasn't sure, but it was a statement with no harm, one he would interpret in his own way and take comfort in. And she saw him taken comfort in it, the frown lines crinkling his face relaxing only slightly.

"Alexis? M'ther?"

"Everyone is fine, Castle. They're in the waiting room pulling for you."

"All… that… matters," he said slowly, struggling to piece his sentences together.

"Not all," Beckett whispered, kissing the back of his hand again and again. This brave and selfless man. She counted herself privileged to have been able to see beyond the playboy persona and see him for the man that he truly was. "You matter. All that matters is that you pull through."

"Who shot…?"

Oh. She looked at him, confused for a moment, but realized he didn't remember. Was she supposed to be thankful for that? He didn't remember getting shot, and perhaps there was a small mercy in that, just like he didn't remember the first time he had been shot. She tried to read him, and unlike her some time ago, _he_ was not lying.

There was a genuine curiosity, and Castle needed the story. _Of course he did_. That was just another thing that she loved about him. "I got him, he's dead." Beckett could only hope that would satisfy him for now. "Shhh. We'll talk later, Castle. Close your eyes. Rest." After waiting for so long for him to even open them, she couldn't believe she was encouraging him to close them now. Well, this was different, she had to tell herself. His eyelids didn't have far to go before he was pulled under. His head was angled towards her perfectly that she could stare at him while he slept, and continuously reassure herself that he was there.

She knew he'd fallen asleep when his grip on her hand loosened. She hadn't seen him this groggy since their brief time in DC and he'd come off life support; like now. In fact, this seemed worse than then, but he was talking. He was alive and there was hope. It was all she could ask for.

The door opened, a gentle tap on the surface. She looked over to see Ryan poking his head in. "They won't let me stay long," he said, closing the door behind him. "They nearly didn't let me in at all."

"Then… how?" she asked.

Ryan coughed, shifting on his feet with a mischievous smile. "Official police business, but they would only let one of us in. Had to play Knife, Gun, Kevlar for it. How is he?" Ryan asked, looking over at Castle.

Beckett followed his gaze to her husband. "He woke up just over an hour ago, fell back to sleep a few minutes ago. The doctor is worried he could have a heart attack at any second, but he's still too weak for them to go in and get the bullet out.

"Oh man," Ryan hung his head, placing his hands on his hips. "And you?"

Beckett gave a forced smile. "Holding on."

"Your dad says you might be discharged tomorrow."

She snapped her head to Ryan. "What?" It was news to her, and it was most unwelcome, because there was no way that Castle would be discharged, too. That meant that she would have to leave him behind for nights at a time, and roam the loft all the while wondering if her husband was going into cardiac arrest. No, she couldn't do that. She _wouldn't._

Ryan could only shrug. "That's what he said." After a moment of silence has passed them by while Beckett digested the new information, Ryan cleared his throat. "So, uh, Beckett… about that 'official police business'… it wasn't a lie."

"You want to know about Josh." The detective nodded his head at her statement of fact, pulling out a notepad from his back pocket. She sighed at him. "He's Bracken's son."

"Come again?" Ryan asked, pen poised above the blank page.

"I know." She understood his initial shock. Hell, she was still reeling from it herself, though her thoughts on the matter were briefly set aside once Castle had regained consciousness.

"Wa-wa-wait," he shook his head. "We tore apart Bracken's life. He doesn't have a son."

"I'm telling you, Ryan. He's Bracken's son, and he's known about it for some time now."

"You mean like… when you were together?"

Beckett leaned back somewhat, eyes flashing angrily towards the ceiling. "I don't know," she sighed. "Josh said… he's had a step-father his whole life. He didn't say anything about his father, and I didn't ask. I didn't _know_ about Bracken when Josh and I were together." The pieces of the puzzle were just so far removed from each other that she was never able to put it together. Bracken had always had a sort of familiarity to him, but she just could never place it.

"Do you think he's connected to all of this? To LokSat? Do you think he intended to finish what Caleb started?"

"I don't know," she whispered, mentally kicking and berating herself. Tears were flooding her eyes. She'd shed more tears in the last little while than she had in her entire life. "Find out," she ordered. _Break him_.

* * *

 _He'd called his mother, and Martha answered on the second ring, which was relatively quick for the diva, given how much she detested technology. "It's over," he said, looking into Kate's hazel eyes. It was reassuring to all of them. "Yes, mother. It's over. I promise. Kate and I are at the precinct. I – well, that's a long story. Moth – mother, would you put Hayley on."_

 _Castle waited for a second, taking that time to pull Kate onto his lap more comfortably. "Hayley, it's me. Yes, it's done. Would you mind bringing the girls to the precinct? Yes, thank you, Hayley."_

 _He hung up, but held onto the phone while he looked in Beckett's eyes. He sighed, feeling the loop de loops of his emotions. "It_ is _over," she said, pressing a kiss to his temple._

" _Not quite," he murmured. "Gotta finish that statement now."_

 _Suddenly, the door to her office opened, and she scowled in its direction. "Doesn't anyone ever knock?" she asked, seeing Ryan and Esposito standing there. She slid off Castle's lap, straightening her leather jacket._

" _Sorry to interrupt, Captain," Esposito said, nodding. "I just wanted to let you know that, there were security cameras everywhere in the building, and we got the footage. Tori is looking into it with Vikram right now with some of the Feds."_

 _Beckett looked at Castle. "Even…"_

" _Yeah," Ryan said. "That's what they're looking at right now. I'm sorry, man."_

 _Castle looked away and sat back down in the chair. "Thanks, guys," Beckett said. Taking it as a dismissal to rejoin the investigation, the two detectives left, leaving them alone in the office once more._

" _Not only am I shamed by my own actions, now it's recorded for everyone else to see," he growled bitterly._

" _Forget the video," she said, coming to him and pulling his head towards her stomach, cradling him there. Her hands stroked his head lovingly, and his hands wrapped around her thighs, keeping her there, allowing him to bury his face into her jacket to hide from everything._

 _After a moment, he abruptly pulled away, pushing the chair back to stand. He pulled out of her reach and went for the door. "Castle…?" Beckett asked, concerned._

" _I just need a minute, Kate."_

" _Okay," she said, letting him go._

 _After he left, Beckett sat back down at her desk, looking at the mountain of paperwork that now needed to be done. She was torn between doing it now or saving it for later. Something told her that now was going to be her only option. So, she dug in, and after a few minutes, Castle still hadn't returned._

 _Brow furrowed, she went out into the bullpen and looked around. Where could he have gone? It dawned on her, and she marched towards Tori and Vikram's neck of the woods. Surprisingly, Castle wasn't there like she expected him to be. She was about to leave when she heard Castle's voice coming from the video. Entranced, she came in and stood at the back of the room._

 _She watched it all, and then she watched it again finding herself crying with him._

* * *

 ** _A/N: WTF. Two updates in one day? Merry Christmas... or just be happy that I'm at home sick with nothing better to do. For the record, the deleted scene in the previous chapter didn't happen for the purpose of this story. There was no pregnancy scare, unless you like that angle. Some people are upset that Josh knew about the baby before Castle did... all I can say is that it makes sense that he would, being the doctor and all. So, yeah. Hope you enjoy this update, and as always, let me know what you think._**


	11. Chapter 11

_Together, in secret, we could have taken this guy down. Only, that thought never even occurred to you, because deep down inside, you like being broken, and you need this obsession. And no matter what I do, I can't change that. Only you can, Kate._

 _ **\- Richard Castle**_

* * *

Castle woke to the gentle squeeze of his hand, a tender voice in his ear, his name on a loving whisper. When his eyes opened, the ceiling lights assaulted him, and there was daylight coming through the window next to his bed on the right. There was pain in his chest, and for a moment, he forgot how to breathe. "Easy," he heard from his left, and there it was – another gentle squeeze around his fingers. He followed the instructions that heavenly voice was delivering, telling him to breathe in and out, timed perfectly to help him calm down. That voice was like a drug, and his eyes closed to it so he could _listen_.

"You were whimpering," Beckett said, knowing she had his attention. "I'm sorry I had to wake you." The writer merely offered a hum in response, finding contentment despite the raging pain he felt. That, he could manage, but just never take away his wife. There was no managing that.

After a moment, he opened his eyes, turning his head to look at her. He still looked pale, especially in contrast to the dark beard that was growing in nicely. "Dream?" he asked after a moment.

With the confusion written all over his face, she couldn't be certain what he meant. Did she wake him from a dream, or did he think this was one? She brought their hands to her mouth, giving him a kiss. "You tell me," she replied, looking down at their entwined fingers. She had yet to sleep, scared that if she did, she'd wake up somewhere else – another place, another time – and Castle would be ripped from her arms. No, she couldn't bear the thought that this might be a dream, that this hospital and the warmth of her husband's hand, might be a figment of her imagination.

 _Castle, say something reassuring._

"Shot?" He sounded so small, so unsure of himself. It was completely unlike him. His flamboyant nerdiness was nowhere to be seen. There was a haunted look on his face as he looked at her. Concern for her, that's all it was ever for.

Beckett knew they would be having this conversation again. She didn't mind that it might become a broken record as he weaved his way in and out of consciousness. As long as he stayed with her, she'd tell him anything he'd like. "Not a dream," she brokenly answered. "You're doing good, though, babe. The doctors said you're doing better, getting stronger." Still, he wasn't strong _enough_ , but progress was progress and they should be thankful for even that right now.

Was he listening to her? Comprehending what she was saying?

She simply stared at him, mussed hair and a nasal cannula hooked around his ears, and she was overwhelmed with gratitude for the man next to her. He was a blessing, whereas she was his curse, and yet he still stayed with her through thick and thin. She knew that there was no way she could have gotten this far without him. Would the tape of Senator Bracken still be lodged in the elephants on her desk? Would he have been killed behind bars? Would the case be buried under eight more years of dust and dead ends?

Castle may have had a lapse in reality just before they were married, and he may have caught a possible glimpse into what their lives would be like if they had never met, but she didn't. At least, as he recounted that story, it was scary to think just how close he might've been to _accurate_ where _her_ life was concerned. No, she definitely couldn't have done this without him, and she knew that the alternate universe he'd dreamt up wasn't in any way meant to inflate his ego.

He may have been able to solve his issues where they were concerned and follow her into the fire, but these were feelings she dealt with every single day. Should she have pushed him away harder so it would never come back? Was it fair to ask him to come with her, instead?

 _Ask_. At first, she never asked, Castle imposed, and it was a generous imposition. Then she asked, after realizing she couldn't pursue LokSat while keeping Castle just barely in her orbit. That doubled edged sword was too difficult to manage.

It was either _ask_ , or ask for a divorce and now, she was only too sorry she had asked.

She got her husband _shot_. Holy _fuck_.

"With me?"

Beckett looked up into his eyes, realizing she had looked down at the general area where his bullet wound resided. His eyes were full of confusion, frustration and desperation to understand, and yet they were still impossibly blue in this light and as striking as the beard growing on his jaw. She smiled, reassuring. "Always," she promised. _And I would die if I lost you._

She'd walk into a tornado for him, just as readily.

The writer winced. It was sudden, and even had Beckett flinching as she watched the pain registering on his face. His hand squeezed hers in reflex as his chest seized. "Rick?" she tried. "Hey, babe—" The sounds on his heart monitor increased in volume and frequency. Her eyes went wide, tearing away from the monitor to look at him.

She reached for the call button, frantic and ignoring the searing pain in her side as her fingers closed around the white remote and thumbed the button repeatedly. The door burst open a second later, and Castle's new doctor came in, immediately shouting a code over his shoulder to his counterparts. He was just beyond middle aged, hair gone grey in a way that had Beckett guessing it was premature. Well, salt and pepper suited him, and gave him a distinguished look – more so than his white jacket and stethoscope. Doctor Ellis stepped around the other side of Castle's bed and immediately went to work while Beckett watched.

Castle's hand was beginning to crush hers, but she didn't care if he broke all of her fingers. "What's happening?" she asked.

Ellis looked up at her and there was a moment of hesitation, an uncertainty lacing every move the doctor made. "What we've been hoping wouldn't happen," he answered. "Mrs. Castle, we need to operate now before he goes into cardiac arrest."

"But…" Nurses came into the room, pulling their beds apart. His hand slipped through her fingers. "No!" She just couldn't hold back the outrage at the loss of connection from him.

"Mrs. Castle!" the doctor demanded her attention, and she gave it to him whilst struggling not to panic. "It's now, or never. We cannot shock him if he goes into cardiac arrest. He _will_ die if we don't operate now. And since you have Power of Attorney, you need to tell us what to do."

"You said he wasn't strong enough for that; that he'd die on the table." She didn't mean to argue, and she didn't mean to waste time as her husband's body spasmed before her eyes. The doctor readied a needle, inserting it into the IV.

"I'm not going to lie to you. The risk is great, _but_ he has a better chance on that table than he does in this bed. Do you understand?"

She nodded, but really, she didn't. Her heart thundered beneath her breast, blood rushed in her ears. She felt hot, and shaky, trapped like a wounded animal with no way out. "What is your decision?"

"Take him," she replied weakly. "Save him."

"We'll do our best." Resolute, the doctor nodded and began wheeling Castle out of the room with the aid of the nurses. She watched them go until they disappeared down the hall, and when her husband was out of sight for what might quite possibly be the last time she saw him alive, the tears came.

* * *

 **A/N: I am so very sorry for how late this update is. But just know, I haven't given it up, and I will see it through. Things just got messy over the last few days, but now everything is back on track. I am also sorry that the second story thread isn't in this chapter, but I figured a little update was better than no update at all. I hope you agree. So, you all know I am not a medical expert, lalalalalalalala, so, don't bash me for any inconsistencies you might see. Aside from that, please, let me know if you're still with me on this journey. Next chapter may have a time lapse. We'll see how it goes.  
**

 **I'm going to start writing my CastleFicMonday chapter for tomorrow's posting in Gaps. So... until tomorrow, everyone. Love, CaskettFeels.**


	12. Chapter 12

_Don't be so driven by the past that you throw away your future._

 ** _Kate Beckett_**

* * *

"Oh Katherine," Martha said, coming forward and taking her daughter-in-law's hand. She gave it an affectionate pat, and Beckett looked up at the woman with an apology written all over her face.

"I had to choose, _fast_ ," she explained, though Martha didn't ask. "I would've talked to you first, I promise—"

"Shhh, darling." The red headed woman looked upon Beckett, understanding in her eyes, for which the Captain was grateful. "I think you made the right decision. This is Richard's best chance."

The words kicked her in the gut, really, because even his best chance wasn't a great one. Her heart was thumping terribly hard beneath her breast.

"Kate?" Alexis said from the door, and she looked over to take in the red-head's appearance. Her face was blotchy, and her eyes red. She was responsible for that, wasn't she?

Beckett reached her hand out towards the young woman, beckoning her closer. Each let out shaky breaths as their hands connected, fingers interlaced in unyielding love and support. "Hey, bud," Beckett said after a second, throat clogged with her anguish.

"I'm so glad you're okay," Alexis murmured, looking down at their hands. "You... you know you mean a lot to me, too, right?" It had dawned on the young woman that she had never sat down with Beckett to tell her what she thought of her. It hit her harder than she ever could have imagined that she might've missed her chance because of Caleb's bullets. If they had been just off by an inch, the hand she was holding would be cold. Dead.

Beckett's eyes instantly welled with tears as she looked at Castle's daughter. His lovely, kind, sweet and caring daughter. Castle might attribute Alexis' to good fortune, but Beckett knew better. She had seen how he was with his daughter and it made her fall in love with the man all over again, every time she saw the two of them together. And now… now Castle was going to have another child to impart his wisdom and experience on, and if it weren't for the fact that Castle was undergoing the knife at the moment, the thought would excite her more. _A lot more_.

Suddenly, Beckett pulled on Alexis' hand, and the girl came. Wrapping her arms around Alexis in a needy hug, she choked down a sob and ignored the raging pain. "I'm so sorry, Alexis," she whimpered, feeling overwhelmingly undeserving of Alexis' love and support. "So sorry. I didn't mean to—"

"It's not your fault, Kate," Alexis tried to calm her step-mother. Eventually, the two parted, Alexis' shirt a little damper than before.

Beckett sagged against her pillow, struggling to control her breathing.

The fact that Alexis and Martha were there to keep her company while Castle fought for his life, it meant the world to her. Well, they were there to keep each other company. They were in this _together_. A family. Castle had always been quick to point that out to her when she moved back into the loft. They were in this together, and they weren't on this journey with her because she asked them, but because they wanted to. Simple as that. No matter where this rabbit hole took them, they were in it together.

Though the room was silent from that point on, it wasn't awkward. The sound of the second hand on the clock filled the void that had settled upon them. It taunted them, laughed at them.

Before long, four hours had passed and there was still no word on Castle's status. Beckett had been in and out, desperate to keep her eyes open and yet failing spectacularly. Exhaustion was taking over her body, and forcing her to close her eyes every now and then. "Rest, Kate," Alexis whispered, giving her other hand an affectionate squeeze as Beckett fell away for the second time. Permission; good to have but unwanted all the same.

When Beckett came to for the 5th time, she looked over to see her father holding her hand. She gave his a squeeze. "Castle?" she asked, pleading and desperate, but she didn't care if it made her sound pathetic (it didn't!). At Jim's hesitance, she shifted on her bed, sitting up straighter and ignoring the twinges of pain from the two new holes in her torso. "Dad?"

"There were complications, Katie."

* * *

 _Fifteen minutes later, and Beckett was frozen in her seat, the remote in her hand as she played the video over and over, and once in slow motion, watching as Flynn reached out to activate the IV, and then the panicked look on her husband's face as Ryan fired a shot and saved his life. Oh, they were definitely going to be putting his kids through college, just like Castle had suggested. Joyfully._

 _She watched as Castle strapped his would-be murderer to the table and shoved the IV in his arm. It was horrific to watch, but she couldn't hear what was being said over the rampant gunfire in the room, not like she could hear with absolute clarity the questions her husband was made to answer._

 _After Castle was through the wall, she found she couldn't watch anymore. She knew what happened after that and now she just needed to find him, and he had had more than enough minutes to himself now. Leaving the tech room, she looked around the bullpen for him, checked her office and found nothing._

" _If you're looking for your husband," the agent who took their statements earlier spoke up, "he took the stairs."_

" _Uh, thank you. I'll just…" she gestured to the stairs, indicating that she would bring Castle back. "Then we'll finish up our statements and—"_

" _No need," the agent said, closing his folio. He smiled at her, an attempt at sympathy that fell remarkably short. "He just finished it."_

" _Oh," was all the Captain said, taken aback. And yet, she was somehow relieved it was over. She only wished she had been there for him. She knew what this was, though. It was infinitely easier to give a statement without an audience—without her—because he was undoubtedly painting himself as the bad guy in this. Oh, no, no, no. She couldn't have that._

 _Shaking her head to herself, she didn't spare the agent another thought as she headed for the stairs. She found him between floor levels, sitting on the floor with his legs pulled up as close to his chest as he could get them. His head buried in his knees with his fingers interlaced under the short strands of his hair._

" _Hey," she said, and Castle looked up sharply at her, relaxing only when he saw it was her. She came to sit down beside him, right against him, bodies melding together as Fate intended; not that she was a believer in_ fate _, but she was getting there. Her hands wrapped around his bicep, head coming to rest on his shoulder. "You finished your statement." Fact, and there was no malice in her tone; only understanding._

" _Seemed easier," he responded after a brief moment, but his voice was laced with apologies._

" _I get it," she said. "You needed the Captain, and not your wife in there."_

 _He bowed his head, guilty as sin. "It's hard when you're the same person," he acknowledged. "I saw you watching. The tape. You watched it. Should've told you that wasn't what I wanted."_

" _I watched it as the Captain," she offered. Then, Castle's eyes cut sharply to her, scrutinizing her. She shrank under the intensity. "Then I watched it as your wife," she admitted. "I'm sorry."_

" _You're not."_

 _She rolled her eyes, shaking her head. "I'm not, but I am." Definitely a conundrum, she was. She was sorry, on some level, to have watched the video without his permission._

 _Beckett reached out to run her hand through his hair, over the curve of his ear and down to the nape of his neck, scratching the skin there with the tips of her fingernails that always,_ always _, gave him gooseflesh. He shuddered under her unfair ministrations, and she smiled, because there was her man, ever so responsive to her._

" _Babe, I know you feel like you let everyone down, but I promise you—you didn't. You saved my life today and helped get justice for McCord, the team and my mother." She swallowed thickly, determined not to get choked up now. "You need to know that I couldn't have done that without you, nor did I want to." Castle looked up at her, his face gentler than before. He leaned into her, and she accepted his weight gladly, pressing her lips to his temple. "We're going to get through this," she promised._

 _"I was given the 'Don't leave town' speech," Castle muttered. "For what happened to Flynn. If he doesn't... survive... they could..."_

 _Beckett's eyes slipped closed and she tightened her hold on him. They could charge her husband for murder, or manslaughter, given the circumstances. The thought crossed her mind as she had watched the video of Castle drugging the man. There was the possibility that Flynn would survive, that the drug would wear off eventually and there would be no permanent damage. That was the best case scenario. Now that she knew the Feds were thinking about it, too, well... she felt the pieces of her world beginning to crumble down around them._

 _And they sat like that for several minutes, disturbed only once by an officer who was too energized to wait for the elevator. After quick apologies, Beckett nudged her husband who was still trapped in his own mind. "Babe, how about we table this, hmm? Talk after we've gotten some rest? Your mother and Alexis will be here any minute now, so we can wrap this all up and go—"_

" _Home," Castle finished. That did sound delightful, even if it was just an illusion.  
_

" _Yeah," Beckett smiled. "Home. You'll feel a lot better once we see your family and get out of here."_

 _Together._

* * *

 ** _A/N: Once again, my apologies for the delay! I am still around, but work is just kicking me like a puppy. Suuuuucks. ANYWAY! I know this update is short, but like I said before, it's better than no update at all? Until next time, everyone. Peace, love, and friendship. XOXO  
_**


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